I wanted to write this post in memory of my first Angel Baby who I lost on August 24, 2011.
First off, nope I am not pregnant :-)!!
This is a picture I took 5 years ago when I found out I was pregnant for the first time, I was over the moon! My hubby and I were living in a 3 bedroom town home, he was not home from school yet when I saw my test results and I was about to burst for him to get home! At that time he was finishing his last semester at Kennesaw State.
It turns out this was the only picture I would ever have of this baby.
I don't want this post to be depressing or make anyone feel sorry for me, I wanted to write this to share my story, experience and offer any hope for anyone who needs encouraging and knowing you are not alone.
We started our road to parenthood journey in June of 2009, Hubby and I had both wanted children so we felt like it was the right time to start trying. I thought I knew about getting preggers, turns out I had no idea! I had grown up thinking it was so easy to get pregnant which makes since, you don't want young kids becoming parents so we are taught ways to practice safe sex, etc. I knew my own Mom had no real problems getting pregnant so I assumed I would be the same. But as I learned, its a science and every pregnancy for every woman is different. I thought trying for 2 months was a long time, can you believe that?! I was very fortunate it happened the first time pretty quickly, I have many friends who have tried for months, years and decades. My heart hurts for them. The longing to be a Mother can be overwhelming for many. I don't want to exclude Men, I know they struggle through this to, wanting to be a Dad and trying so hard month after month only to be disappointed. Fertility is truly complex but science and God are amazing.
When I told hubby we were expecting he was excited and terrified at the same time!! With an August conception date I was already looking at the April calendar dreaming of a spring birth date. We decided we would tell our parents in person at the end of August, it was my mother in laws birthday and we would see my parents the week after for the GA game. We couldn't wait to see the excitement in their faces!
It was a regular Tuesday morning I was sitting at work around 8:30 AM when I felt a huge cramp in my stomach area. I had not shared my news with anyone yet at that point either. I went to the restroom and running the risk of being too graphic I knew something was not right with all the blood. I write this because there is a physical part you experience in a miscarriage as well as an emotional part. I want to be honest about what I went through so that is why I share.
I came back to my desk and called my OB/GYN office, they told me to come on in. I even Googled how to stop a miscarriage. On the drive over there I clinched my steering wheel angry at any driver in front of me. I wanted to see my doctor ASAP to stop this. I also called my husband who was student teaching at the time. I don't think he knew what to say except it was going to be ok.
Waiting in the room with expectant Mother's was like a knife into my heart.
When I went back into the doctor's office they took lots of blood, they compared it to my other blood samples and confirmed I had miscarried. My heart was broke. An anger started building inside me.
The days in weeks that followed were hard. Physically I had whats called a natural miscarriage, meaning since I was so early in the pregnancy, I just had to let it bleed out. Using the restroom everyday was a constant reminder of what I had lost. Again, not trying to gross anyone out, just sharing what I went through. I think it took a little over a month for everything to make its way out. Once that was over I was happy to have another chance and I became very focused, almost obsessed. I got an app to track my fertile days, I tried pills, ate pineapple core, took vitamins, stood upside down, everything I could think of to get pregnant. Month after month nothing. The anger started. This miscarriage stole the chance for us to surprise our parents with the happy news. Instead we had to tell them what happened and they were left helpless just wanting to make it better.
I would see celebrities like Snookie pregnant and think, why her and not me? All she does is drink and party. Social media was hard too. So many friends of mine were announcing their pregnancy. I was jealous. I also was down on myself. Was it the Diet Coke I drank when I was pregnant or the work out video I did that made me loose our baby? It was the first time my body let me down. What if I could never get pregnant? If I did get pregnant would the fear of losing the baby ever go away (answer is NO!!). Why didn't God stop this, is He punishing me? I thought of all the wrongs I had done in my life and just knew I was doomed.
So many emotions.
I have the world's greatest doctor, her name is Dr. Jo. We had to try for a certain number of months before we could get medical help. It's usually 12 months of trying but she came in at 9 months to start helping us. Hubby had to do some test's, he had no issues and I was referred to Emory Hospital. During a series of tests we found out my thyroid was low. I had no idea what a thyroid even was! Come to find out my Grandmother Kee and cousin have the same issue. My doctor at Emory suggested a couple of months of thyroid medication, if that didn't work we could try some fertility drugs. I was very fortunate that within a few weeks of being on this medication I conceived in January and carried Taylor all the way until the end of September.
I know its easy for me to put a positive spin on this experience now cause I have been blessed with 2 beautiful girls, but if you are going through this nightmare right now, have faith and never stop trying. For me, I knew God did not do this to me. It was not a punishment. God it too good for that. It was just something with my body and the science of it our first and third pregnancy ended in losses.
After Taylor I had another miscarriage in December of 2014. It was hard, but to me not as much emotionally because I had gone through this before and had faith I could become pregnant again.
I believe that one day I will meet our 2 Angel Babies. For now I believe they are in the care of my Grandparents in Heaven. I also believe that sharing your story can help others who are hurting. By talking about ours I discovered so many other couples who have experienced a loss. This is very common and no one should feel alone.
It also made me believe more help should be given to couple trying to conceive. What they are going through is already tough, but put in the expense of fertility drugs, it can drown the every day hard working person. Step up insurance companies. This is not a choice.
To close out this post, I saw this verse and discovered how true it is. God is truly awesome and will never leave you. Even when you feel like He did. Faith, Hope and Love. I hope you can use those to carry you through any pain you have. I am living proof that having a miscarriage does not mean you will never have a baby. You can. For myself, having lost 2 babies I try to soak up every moment I can with Taylor and Nicole now. I am by no means a perfect parent. I am tired, I get quick tempered. But I also try to let my girls know each and every day how much I love them and how special they are. I remember Oprah said, does your face light up every time your child enters the room? I hope mine does, cause my heart does XOXO. If anyone who reads this has any questions please let me know & thanks for taking the time to read my story XOXO