The Three Month Mark

The number 3 seems to pop up for me a lot these past 3 months, if you follow me on Facebook you may remember I made a post a few weeks ago about what the number 3 and what it meant to me along with angels, I think there are some special meanings behind it. We are now a family of 3.

 

Ronnie was also baptized on the 3rd Sunday in July and that's a special memory I would like to share with ya'll.

We are doing well, it seems as time has moved along, the questions about their Daddy have increased. It seems certain things trigger these questions, the biggest 2 is being in the car or in the bathroom :-)

Some questions can be pretty funny cause you HAVE to find humor in all of this to get by.

Here are a few:

-Do you fart in heaven?

-Did Daddy see Gizmo and PK? (our dog and cat who have passed)

-I was getting ready one morning curling my hair and Nicole walked up to me holding her IPad and goes "Did Daddy die of Coronavirus?" No surprise why Coco asked this one!! This is when he was pressure washing. Widowed parents have to be ready for anything!

-Is there online learning in heaven (this came from Taylor)

I gave a big NO on that one (or at least I hope)!! This has been one of the biggest things I have to really get my patience on for (just being honest). One night Taylor had to do 2 worksheets and she said something along the lines of a complaint after she had been playing all day and I had been working. My reaction looked a little like this:

Of course I felt absolutely TERRIBLE after I lost my cool!! I apologized for it and since then school work has gone pretty good, she may not want to poke Mommy Beast :-)

Talking to my kids about death has been pretty complex for me, obviously I am no expert. I try to be honest and age appropriate at the same time. I hope that I say the right things and always try to end the conversation about how much they are loved and safe.

I originally had plans to make this post about something different, but one day while driving the Zach Williams song Fear Is a Liar came on and changed my mind.

When he told you you're not good enough, When he told you you're not right

When he told you you're not strong enough to put up a good fight

When he told you you're not worthy

When he told you you're not loved

When he told you you're not beautiful, that you will never be enough

Fear he is a liar, He will take your breath stop you in your steps

Cast your fear in the fire, 'Cause fear he is a liar

My hope is to word this correctly and let you know my memories. I am nervous it may be too dark, but heck, addiction and mental illness can be pretty dark.

I can't speak for what Ronnie exactly saw or felt all I know what he told me and the great things that happened after it.

I wanted to share my memories of his baptism and the events that let up to it. I feel like sharing a little bit of what got him to that point may show exactly how special of a day it was for him and those that love him.

Mothers Day 2019 I was sitting in church and Pastor Shaun was giving his sermon, I remember him saying "Your fatal flaw is not final." Then my phone started vibrating, I first ignored it but it kept on ringing from Augusta, GA. Ronnie was currently in rehab down there and it was not the usual time he was allowed to call so I figured I better pick up.

I grabbed the girls and we went into the bathroom and I called the number back, it was a nurse letting me know that Ronnie had been taken to Augusta Hospital, he had blacked out and was not responsive so they called for an ambulance. The reason I bring this part up is to show that this was my proof he at that time was in a sober state and not under any substances. If you know anything about rehab they do a VERY thorough search when you enter, no drugs, no alcohol and no belts or shoelaces. They check your crevasses too :-) For the rest of that Sunday I was on the phone with doctors asking me questions about his past and running multiple tests on him to see what happened. They could not figure out what it was, what made him black out. But they did confirm with me there was no trace of drugs or alcohol in his system. They kept him there for 2 more days and its where I want his words to step in as best as I can remember.

After a month in rehab he came back home in June. That night when the girls finally went to sleep (as you can imagine every time he would return home they were on cloud 9 with excitement and energy) he wanted to tell me what happened in the Augusta Hospital.

Ronnie told me he saw Jesus, he told me he could clearly see it was Him. He also saw a demon in a cage in the corner. That is where the Zach Williams song kicked in my head. Fear is the liar. My thinking is that symbolized the demons Ronnie fought so hard against. Ron said he saw the girls and I in this encounter. He said he felt like God gave him a glimpse into the future of what would happen if he used again with the girls and I not being there anymore. I know that was one of his biggest fears was losing us.

Remember this all happened while Ron was in the hospital and all the tests showed his was sober.

This encounter touched Ronnie deeply and he wanted to meet with Pastor Shaun to talk about it, so he did and a few weeks later Ronnie was baptized at our church.

Before the actual baptism Pastor Shaun talked about 2 characters in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. The main character Eustace steals an armband, turns into a dragon and can't get the armband off. Then he meets a lion called Aslan which symbolized Christ. Eustace just wanted to relief from the armband, it was too tight and it hurt. Aslan told him to follow me into the water but first you have to undress and rid yourself.

Eustace tried to shed his own skin, the skin he gave himself. The armband he put on. 

He didn't want to be in it anymore.

Ronnie felt that way sometimes.

Every time Eustace would shed his skin himself, more scales would grow back.

Aslan told him, in the water I have to undress you.

You can't do this by yourself.

Since Aslan was a lion he had massive claws, the first skin he shredded from Eustace was very painful but once he got in the water with the lion his skin became beautiful. It didn't hurt.

Christ shredded his old skin.

Ronnie allowed the God who loved him to shed his skin and that Sunday my family got see that symbol and celebrate it. One if the very best parts was that both Taylor and Nicole got to see it.

Here is Dad holding Nicole during the baptism:

My girls getting to see their Daddy rise from the water is one of the best things I think they will ever remember and for that I am so grateful.

I think we all face or battle some type of fear/insecurity everyday and it can be a lot, I know I do. But never forget how strong YOU are. Keep on going & fighting.

If you have hung with me this long through the post, thank you XOXO. A lot of the people I know who read this have a deep love for Ronnie or may know him as Mr. Portmann. When something like this happens there are MANY questions and a lot we may never know, but I can tell you what Pastor Shaun told me the Tuesday I was sitting in his office planning out Ron's service. He looked straight at me and said there is no action that any of us do that will cause us to "lose" our salvation. I hope this brings you peace like it did me.

Love,

Lindsey



The Two Month Mark

I found myself thinking this week as we approach the 13th what I wanted to share about my Piggy G. Just like last month I think my brain works like a bullet list, I will seem to have different things pop up and I write them down. As I am looking at a list of my random thoughts I wrote down, I remind myself what I want this blog to be for my girls. I hope it will become a happy source of memories about their Daddy and a dose of what real life looks like for us. I also hope to give everyone a little look inside some great memories from our life!

I know everyone reading this right now can totally agree, all our lives have looked a little different these past weeks!

So far 2020 has been nothing like I have experienced before but we are doing pretty well.

The girls have remained upbeat and become a little more independent. They know when Mommy is working I can't jump up at that moment and get what they need. But a lot of times they discover they can actually do it themselves & I think that is a great lesson!

So many times people compare grief to waves and I am finding that is pretty accurate. This last week for example was one for the emotional records!! One day I was on cloud 9 with thanksgiving when I found out a something that had been giving me deep worry would be okay, my girls would be okay.

The next day I had a wonderful Facetime spaghetti dinner with my family, no less then 5 minutes after it was over  I was in tears of anger. That is what grief can look like. But every time it hits there is a choice to keep going. Just keep swimming. Going through this so far I have learned to be more aware of the things I let in my mind from the music I listen to and the movies we watch. The other night the girls asked to watch the new Disney movie Onward, a few minutes into it I learned it was about 2 kids whose father died when they were young and they were trying to find out more about him, I should have known better with a Disney movie what the fate of the parents would be!! I realized I need to be a little more aware of those kind of triggers.

I have always loved music, like so many it can make me feel so much and take me back to great moments. There is a Toby Mac song called 21 Years, I am sure you have heard it, its a song he wrote last fall when his son passed away.

"Did he see You from a long way off

Running to him with a Father's heart

Did you wrap him up inside Your arms

And let him know, that he's home"

When he is singing this I can picture Ronnie in God's arms.

A part toward the end of the song you can almost hear Toby singing/yelling/wailing.

I get it, its the sound of all the emotions. Sometimes if I am in the car by myself, I will do the same thing.

A few things about Ronnie a lot of people may not know:

-Did you know I called him Pickles?! Pickles Portmann. My Dad & Uncle David called him Rontavious. Sometimes my family called him Don....those were memories!

-When I dream of him he doesn't have a beard. Some dreams have been nightmares, those stink. But some dreams have been so intimate and real. Whenever I would kiss Ronnie often I would have both hands on his face and rub his beard. I miss the beard.

-Ron created his own YouTube Channel to help his students with math, its still there is you ever have a math question! He would film it in our garage.

-Ronnie was a bit more affectionate then me, he was a hand holder in the car and wanting to sit right next to me on the couch all the time. I tend to me a little more stand offish. PDA's give me anxiety and he loved them, go figure! Ronnie expressed his love with letters and cards:

This is just a small example of the pages of letters and cards he would write me. I have years worth. From anniversaries to rehab to apologies, he would pour his heart onto paper. As you can imagine, I cherish these. And he didn't stop at paper, he would cover our bathroom mirror with his feelings:

These are all still up. Ron also made it a point to tell me somehow what his heart was feeling. He always wanted me to know no matter what, how much he loved me.

-In college Ronnie was a vegetarian. That didn't last long!! He loved grilling and BBQ like his Dad. All our family each have t-shirts that say Porty's Pulled Pork!

One of the best memories is the day Taylor was born. Here is the day on how I remember it!

Taylor was due October 5, 2012, she was our rainbow baby. We had started trying in June of 2011. Ron and I were living in a one bedroom apartment and he was student teaching. I came home from work one day the there was a note next to my birth control pills, the container was empty and the note said I love you forever, lets do it! I found out I was pregnant that August but unfortunately I lost the baby. My heart was shattered. I know his was too. Come January we found out my thyroid was low and so I started medication for that and 2 weeks later around 5 AM I got a positive test result. Talk about over the moon!!

Ron was sleeping and I ran into our bedroom with the pregnancy test, we were so excited. A few months later we found out we were expecting a girl. We rode to Babies R Us that day and bought a handful of girl cloths and sat out on the patio that night just smiling talking about baby girl names. Ronnie always liked Natalie which I do too but.....Natalie Portmann, get it?! I was not too crazy about that! Fast forward to September 28th, we were getting close and I was having weekly doctor appointments, I was absolutely huge. And hot. Third trimester in the GA heat is no joke!

The 28th was a Friday and my appointment was at 10 AM I think, Ronnie was working and said "Only call me if we are having a baby!" that morning on his way to work. Turns out, I called him. During my exam Dr. Jo thought something may be wrong with Taylor's heart. You want to talk about a parent's heart almost stopping. I remember thinking to myself, I am not losing this baby. I have made it this long. She went ahead and sent me to Northside.

When we arrived we had lots of heart tests to do and a c-section was scheduled.

I remember laying there before the surgery and I looked at Ron and said "I am going to barf!" He held a bucket up to my mouth. Pure romance :-)

Right by my side Ronnie would stand up and down, blood didn't bother him so he kept looking. He said "Her hand is out!" At 7:10 PM our sweet Taylor Sara was born and she was screaming! While they were putting my guts back together he was over there telling me everything they were doing. I got to give her a kiss on the head before they took her for many heart tests. She ended up being totally ok, a perfect baby.

Having a kid with someone is something that will forever bond two people always. Ronnie gave me the best part of him (twice, I will do Nicole's story one day too).

The girls are one of the biggest source of my strength these days. I often say they save me from myself. They are loved deeply by so many family, friends and teachers. I know so many people are praying for the 3 of us, I feel it and remain so grateful.

Ronnie answered a prayer of mine, helping to make me Mother.

Love,

Lindsey



The Month Mark

*Warning: Long Widow Post Ahead*

So today, March 13, 2020 is the first month mark. I had been thinking this week as it approached what I wanted to say. I have always been drawn to people who 'keep it real', I think its more relatable and inspirational. But I also wanted to keep it positive and uplifting. So here is my attempt at both!

First off the most common question over the first month is how am I?

Pretty good I think :-)

Do you know the movie Inside Out with all the little emotions running through the main characters head, that's probably the most accurate description of me right now!

Sometimes there is sadness, the longing to talk to him, touch him or get a text from him  that is getting deeper with time. There is also anger (remember I am keeping it real). Pulling up to the soccer field stuck in traffic while 2 parent families had one parent driving and the other take their kid to the field so they were not late triggered my anger last week. Come on man, where are you?! I need your help!

A sweet friend of mine who has gone through a similar journey had a great description for it,  sniper thoughts. It hasn't been the situations you can kind of prepare for, its the things that come out of no where and take you down. But just as the wave recedes, you get back up. And then you keep getting back up.

I have moments of peace and an intense closeness to God like never before. I see Him EVERYWHERE. He shows himself to me daily with God hugs. Sometimes its through someone else or sign directly from above. The harder moments are less then the good moments and that is made possible by a HUGE support system in my life. If you are reading this now, you have played a part in all the love and support my family has been shown. Thank you will never be enough, but I truly am.

I started this little blog a few years ago as a way to keep memories for my girls so I am going to continue on with that by sharing some wonderful memories I have with Ronnie for the girls to read and all of you. There were so many great times, here is one!

September 22, 2007 or what the fans in Tuscaloosa, AL called 2000 and SABAN....queue my eye roll!! Ronnie, G and I had tickets, it was all our first time in Alabama and man was it AWESOME!! We had made a goal to visit all the SEC stadiums and did pretty good, I think there is a few I need to visit but this was defiantly one of the best! It was a beautiful campus, walking along Greek Row and seeing all the beautiful houses, so southern. Everyone was so kind to us, I think we ate at a Mexican restaurant. We drove Garrett's Jeep and tailgated with his radio on to the pregame show. It eventually killed his battery but we were able to jump it off!! The song Battlefield by Jordan Sparks played everywhere. We stayed at the very economical Masters Inn, it was something!

Since we were visitors are seats were at THE VERY TOP!!! Its a huge stadium so I was not too crazy about that! We were right next to a flag pole.

So here we are at the very end of the game, Mattie Stafford throws the ball in the corner and Mickey Henderson catches it, DAWG PILE!!!! DAWGS WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Since we were so high with our seats there was a few seconds delay for us, we didn't know what happened until we did and the 3 of us went NUTS!!!!!! Ronnie picked me up!! G started dancing, we were high fiving everyone!! I think my tube top almost came down!! It was one of THE BEST endings ever and we got to be there.

After the game we walked back to our car so excited, Garrett was dancing in the streets. We had just beaten Alabama YES when Nick Saban was the coach :-)

We went out to Applebee's after and made a comment on how every wall was a tribute to Bear Bryant in that town, even the women's restroom stalls he was in!

Ronnie LOVED the GA Bulldogs, he grew up cheering them on & loved talking GA football, had tons of GA tees and loved going to the games. He loved listening to Colin Cowherd talk about the Dawgs.

I remember thinking with our seats being so high it was almost to heaven.

And I take comfort now in that Ronnie is at peace in heaven.

XOXO, Lindsey



Saturday Snow Day

Snow in GA?!

It does happen!! And lucky us, we got to wake up to a beautiful snow fall Saturday morning, I didn't stop taking pictures!!! So magical!

Taylor is my snow bunny! She stayed outside for hours!!!

Meet Riley the snowman!

Daddy and Taylor had so much fun making snowballs!

I think we got 3 inches!

The snow covered trees are so beautiful

My front porch view, how blessed am I?!

Happy Snow Day!



Groundhog Day & February Door & Kitchen

Hello February!!

Welcome to a new month with lots of focus on LOVE!!

The front porch is ready to welcome all our friends with love and smiles :-)

See the beautiful spiral trees, my Mom got me these from Big Lots, I love them! They light up so beautifully at night!

A healthier version of Cheetos, pretty good!

Ronnie surprised me with this before and after, so much better!!!

Lunch date with Taylor!



We love Friday night pizza, especially when it includes cinnamon rolls from Pizza Hut!

Studying about Groundhog Day at school!

Happy Groundhog Day everyone!!

We enjoyed some groundhog pancakes!!

General Lee, what will it be?!

I would like a snow day before then sun comes out, but all I see is rain in the forecast!

Very simple and pretty! Just some hot pink gingham ribbon from Walmart tied around my kitchen patio door wreaths.

Lots of red, pink and chocolate around the kitchen!

Sunday after church, we all have our hearts on! XOXO

My Grandmother Kee's Brunswick Stew and Cream Corn, always warms the heart and belly

Shark Boy & Lava Girl Movie Night, Sweet Neighboorhood Friends, & The Baby Sitters Club

How is your 2020 going so far?! Ours has been very good, lots of joy and peace so far!

I am not a jeans person, too uncomfortable around the waist but I am loving the new comfy

 monogram sweater from Sparkle in Pink with jeans!

If you are a royal family watcher like me, you will get this!!!!

I was beyond excited to relive my childhood book obsession with Taylor, I ordered some Baby Sitter Club books from Ebay and so far she is liking them!! I loved all the club books growing up!!

A great trick I learned from Instagram to get rid of water stains from your shower door! Simply get a magic eraser, cleans the door and dry it off. The follow the directions in applying some Rain X, it works great!

My girls love the movie Shark Boy and Lava Girl and wanted to do a movie night of course! So I made some Bugles into shark teeth with just some white chocolate.

We had some shark quesadillas and Doritos fins!

And some chocolate lava cakes!

Shark attack!

We love when our sweet neighbors come over to play LOL Dolls!

And our other sweet neighbor Kayela!

A cute little snowman Taylor made me a few years ago and some beautiful winter flowers from Ronnie, love them!!



Happy New Year and Christmas Eve

Hello January and Happy New Year sweet friends!!

I hope your first week of 2020 had gone great!

I am still way behind on here but I wanted to share some fun things we have been up too!

Our first church sermon of the New Year was all about your 2020 Vision...get it?!

For the last week before winter break, Taylor had a special dress up theme, this was Christmas sweater day! And she wanted my Granny's Snoopy in the pic!

Taylor's class gave a great performance of 5 little snowmen

Taylor and I headed to lunch at Chicken Salad Chick and ran into Rudy!

On Christmas Eve we were so excited to have Gigi, Granddaddy and Uncle G drive up from Columbus to spend Christmas with us.

We enjoyed a yummy lasagna and steak dinner getting ready for Santa to come!

And of course we had some matching jammies!! Thanks Gigi!

The girls got cookies and carrots ready for Santa and his crew, it was a wonderful Christmas and we are so grateful we got to share it with our family XOXO

Has we all go into the new year, remember the best is yet to come!