The 7th Month Mark

Happy September sweet friends!

Are you as excited as I am for this new month and a fresh start?!

I get so excited with all things fall (even though its still blazing hot here in GA!). The fall colors and smells make me smile. I love putting up all my fall décor around the house. I was talking to my friend Janet the other day about how this year decorating seemed to have a deeper meaning to me. It may sound silly, but I told her it feels like this year there has been so much that has happened out of my control, creating a beautiful and safe feeling home for the girls and myself is something I can control. I have the power to make our home now a safe haven from the outside, its not scary inside, but feels comforting. I hope the girls feel that way too.

I am really looking forward to cooler fall evenings.
Anyone want to come over and I will fix some apple cider one night?!

And along with all things fall, both my precious girls are September babies! So we have a lot to celebrate this time of year and that is a wonderful memory I wanted to share with all ya'll, Nicole's birth!

Look at that dark hair in the picture above, just like her Daddy!

This month is also suicide awareness month...buzz

kill right?!

But thinking about what I wanted to share in this blog I thought back to something I had said after Ronnie first passed, I wanted something positive and helpful to come out of this. My heart wants to share some helpful things that I learned loving someone who struggles with mental health and addiction. I have found they go hand and hand.

To start off I want to be clear in saying I am by no means an expert or professional, this is just my experience. And to top that, if you have been following our story you know the outcome, so what the heck do I know about any of this?!

All I do know is there are so many of us who know someone, love someone, parent someone or is someone with these struggles.

So many friends have told me or wrote me, they get it.

 They lost a son, their daughter is struggling, their spouse has broken their heart with their lies. It is a lot, but I think talking about can help, especially with people who have walked thru it.

And another thing I want to say and make very clear, mental illness and addiction was a small part of Ron's story. He struggled deeply, but it doesn't overshadow all the other things that made him so awesome. He had the biggest heart of any man that I have known. He loved deeply, he was funny, his eyes could be so bright and big. He was very smart too.

Heck, he asked me to marry him, right...wink, wink :-)

He learned to fix things when needed, he was an awesome griller, and lover of music. There was a carefree part of him, he was not afraid to jump in. So many times he kept getting up and getting back up again, pushing through.

He was also the best friend to our girls, they absolutely adored him. He was active in their life, a soccer coach, their date for Chick Fil A date night, he never came back from Walmart empty handed without some kind of treat for them both, the first one of us to hold them after they were each born, always on the ground playing around, or running outside.

I never just want to focus on the negative, because there is more to all of us then just our struggles.

 But if you are struggling, hopefully these little tips can help you too XOXO

-For me the biggest lesson I learned is do not go on what an addict says, you can only go on their actions. I think you will find through their journey relapse will happen multiple times, and typically after ever relapse they find some sobriety. They will come back saying all the things your tender heart has longed to hear. But try not to hear it. Just look at it. Only look at how they are acting and the choices they are making. To keep yourself sane and for the protection of your kids, live by this "actions speak louder than words."

I use this now with all the men in my life.

-This was a realization that took me years, understanding that what was logical to me, is not logical to an addict. To me it was common sense not to do that. But their head will tell them differently every time.

-You have to realize their behavior is not a reflection on you. This was tough for me, because for me, love was enough. Love is all you need right?!

 If I had Ronnie's love I felt like I could handle anything.

It did not work that way for him.

 So the thought would turn in to, he most not love me the way I love him.

 Don't go down that road because it is not true. His addiction is not a reflection of our love. Mental illness and addiction is a disease, but not a reflection of YOU.

-Take control of your finances. Know the bills, passwords, etc. You would not depend on a child to deal with your money, use that same mentality with an addict.

 It will be one less thing you are having to deal with if you already handle it. It will help you feel more secure.

-Although its scary, learn to think ahead, go to the dark places because for me personally it helped prepare myself for where the girls and I are now. Your mouth would probably drop wide open if you were a fly in the car hearing the conversations my Dad and I would have so often in the privacy of our cars going into work.

 He loves me so much he was able to go to those dark places with me and think through different options the girls and I had if something happened. I am so grateful we did, cause when it did happen, we already knew the response.

 Think of having a plan for your family if there was a fire. It helps knowing where to meet if needed.

-Ronnie's passing was not a shock for me (doesn't make it any less heartbreaking), but I know God had been getting my feet wet for this time. Play out different situations in your head and how you would handle them. For example, many times addiction will lead to job loss. It stinks, but think to yourself, if my spouse does not bring in income, can we make it on mine? How long can we make it on a single income? If their life insurance is through their job you will not get it if they pass away when they are not employed. Think about where your insurance comes from.

 Knowing that info already helps I think to made it a little easier when it happens. You will feel a little more ready.

- And do your best to keep things steady at your job, you will need that. It's tough as anything to go to work the next morning after an overdose or when someone you love is depressed or laying in a hospital bed, but you must remember you cannot control them, all you can control is yourself. The bills will not stop, keep working & being the best employee you can.

 Use all the strength you have to keep working and going.

-Changing my expectations seemed to help. I let go of the thinking that after something terrible happened, it was terrible enough nothing would happen again.

Nope.

In my experience, there was no rock bottom. There was nothing so bad it triggered the behavior to change and never happen again. I changed my thinking to understanding something could always happen worse. That may be a link to my high blood pressure at the time!

But it also kept my expectations grounded.

-Find a healthy way to escape or at least take a breather. Running was mine and still is. Collective Soul sings a song called Heavy, it was my go too, I could take frustration out blasting it, hitting the pavement.

-Never forget or doubt you can and will survive this! You can find peace again and will. Rely on your faith in God and yourself. He knows every tear and will carry you when it seems you can't even get up. When it all seems so confusing and you don't know what to do, just follow your heart. Do what you are comfortable with. XOXO
Now, the sweet story of our baby girl!

Our sweet Nicole Michelle was born Friday, September 18, 2015, it was exactly my 40 week mark to the day! She was born after a scheduled C-section (which I loved!!). Both my girls were born on a Friday and Nicole and I were both born on the 18th of a month. I did not get sick before my delivery like I did with Taylor, but I did start feeling like I could not breathe.
 I remember laying there and the nurse placed a breathing mask over me and Ronnie was standing over me (he liked to look over the curtain, I am like no thank you!!). He placed his hand over my forehead and said, "I am right here with you."
 She came into this world with a group of incredible nurses and Dr. Jo singing Happy Birthday to her when they pulled her out!!

Hmmmm, Taylor was not too sure about this!!!

Taylor was 3 when we became pregnant with our 3rd Baby Portmann, I found out the week of Thanksgiving, then on December 16, 2014 we miscarried. I have spoken about this before and I know so many other couples who have gone through it too. It was heartbreaking.

I remember when Dad was driving me home after he and I picked out an urn for Ronnie I was looking out the car window and said out load, "Do you think Ronnie is with our 2 babies we lost?" Not much shakes my Dad and he came back explaining some of his Biblical thoughts on it. We both felt like Ronnie is with them now XOXO

After that miscarriage God answered my prayers and I quickly became pregnant again.

I don't think I have ever told anyone this, not even Ronnie, but since my hope is both my girls will read these one day, I feel fully confident in saying I knew from the minute it actually happened I was pregnant with Nicole. I was sitting upstairs in our playroom with Taylor sitting cross legged and all the sudden I felt this unusual feeling on my left side. 12 days later I got a positive test :-)

We called both our parents on the Valentine's Day after that and shared our exciting news!

The months after that my pregnancy went well, I remember thinking the biggest differences between being pregnant the first time and being pregnant after you already have kids is there is no time to rest!! Oh my goodness!! I was so swelled up and all I wanted to do was put my big legs up, but when you have a 3 year old waiting at home, not happening!!

Taylor had the same expectations from me, I just had to do it while carrying a huge baby!!

One of the hardest parts I remember was the night Ronnie and I both got food positioning!!

I will spare you the details, but neither of us could hardly move, much less take care of Taylor and I kept thinking, Lord don't let me throw up this baby!!!!!

But we all made it safe and arrived at Northside Hospital around 5 AM, the morning of September 18. I was pretty calm, but Ronnie could not even sit down, he just walked back and forth. He was very excited too!

She was not much of a screamer when she came out (unlike her sister) and was absolutely beautiful. We had already known she was a girl, no special meaning behind the name Nicole, other than we thought it was really pretty. Michelle was my middle name before I got married and its also my cousin Mindy's first name.

As many of you know, she usually goes by Coco. Ronnie would call her NicNic.

In the looks department I have alway thought if anyone wanted to know what Ronnie looked like without a beard, just look at Nicole!

I see her Daddy so much in her pretty face, especially in her eyes. They are big and she has the longest lashes just like her Dad.

She is also on the short side, or as my Mom says, "she is petite!"

One time I told Ronnie, "Did you know Eddie Vedder is only 5' 7"? He said, I am 5' 7"!!!!!!!"

But what she lacks in height she makes up for big time in personality.

Of both my girls she is the most affectionate and loving. She always wants "huggies and kissies", she is gentle with her dolls and loves to cuddle. Ron was the exact same way.

On the other hand, while Taylor is a bit more even keeled with her emotions, you will know pretty fast when Coco Portmann is upset! Boy, she has a fiery side that she can let loose!!

Between the 3 of us, Nicole knew her Dad for less time, 4 years, but she is also the one that talks about him more. I would bet not more than 2 days have gone by since Ronnie passed that she does not say something about how much she misses him or how she wishes Daddy was here. I always nod my head and say how much I miss him too.

What she doesn't know is I see him through her and its healing.

When she sleeps she looks so much like him, always having her feet peeking out of the blankets just like he did.

Both of our girls have a piece of him in them forever, and each day our girls was born was the happiest day of my life.

So as September 18 and 28 approach, I will celebrate so big and remain forever grateful to be their Mommy and forever have a piece of Ronnie.

Love,

Lindsey



The Half Year Mark

So here I am, the 6 month mark since Ronnie passed.

Half a year has already gone by, some days it seems so fast and some days it seems so long.

But these past 6 months have been filled with so much, new experiences, new hurdles, new victories, deep sadness but always great love from all my friends and family. I always want each of you to know how much you all mean and how much I appreciate your love and prayers, its a huge part of how we are doing pretty good.

Today is the first day of school for both girls, Taylor starts 2nd and Nicole starts PreK, both their teachers seem wonderful so far, I have no doubt it will be a great school year for them both! Here they are at our back to school breakfast!

I wanted to share with ya'll our first date!! Taking you back to December 30, 2006!! That is our first picture together above.

But first a little bit about widowhood and how we got to the Chick Fil A bowl!

As time has kept moving forward I have noticed my singleness much more, I have had a few moments that remind me pretty quick, I am doing this alone. And by alone I don't want ya'll to think I mean there is no one there for me, not at all. Its just moments when you go from having someone there with you a lot, to moments when you know it falls on you. It can be hard. An example is when the downstairs toilet explodes with water on the kitchen floor. Or when your sweet girl gets hurt.

 All summer long the girls have been having so much fun with their neighbors and love having sleep overs, its what summer is all about! I want them to soak up every second of this precious and carefree time.

One night close to around midnight I was getting ready for bed when I heard Taylor scream from upstairs. She came down holding her mouth with quite a lot of blood coming out...makes me lightheaded thinking about it!! I am not a fan!

 She came in the bathroom and told me she accidently got hit in the mouth and her tooth was loose. I grabbed a big towel and put it over her mouth, the tooth was still there and just a little loose so I knew the kick was not hard enough to hurt her head. While I had the towel over her mouth she was standing in front of the mirror and saw the amount of blood for the first time. All the sudden her sweet little face started going toward the marble sink, and her legs turned into spagatti noodles! I was able to catch her and lay her on her back in the bathroom. I went into a deep panic, as you can imagine, I have some panic issues with a lot of stuff!

I was holding her in my arms yelling her name and she wasn't responding. I called for her friend to hand me my phone and called 911. While on the phone with the operator Taylor woke up and sat up. They sent an ambulance out to check on her and she was completetly fine, just fainted when she saw the blood. I think she gets that from me. I was so thankful my sweet Tay was ok, but my goals of no more 911 calls for 2020 were gone...kidding a little bit :-)

But once things calmed down and the girls went to bed a flood of emotions just hit me. I was glad I called for help but it brings back so many other calls that have been pretty scary. Screaming Ronnie's name while holding him with no response.

And it was also the feeling of being alone, it was just on me.

But you know what, I did it and everything was ok.

 So it kind of makes you a little stronger too knowing you can handle it.

I had a big hurdle a few weeks ago, August 1 would have been our 11 year anniversary. I knew it was coming obviously so I made plans to keep myself busy. That helps me so much. Overall I think the day went pretty good. My sweet neighbor kept the girls that Friday night so when I woke up Saturday I was at the house by myself.

Then I had a huge breakdown.

I was thinking I should go ahead and let it happen before I got my make up on :-)

I sat in my kitchen chair with my coffee and just cried.

I am really not surprised I am here without him, God had been getting my feet wet for a number of years. But it sure doesn't mean I don't miss him so very much.

So I let the tears come and go and as I have been doing, got up, got dressed and headed down to IFly!

Breakdown then flying=a snap shot of widowhood :-)

So what the heck is IFly?!?!?!

Well a little back story, I am a big fan of sweet Amanda at Dixie Delights, I have been following her blog for years and she always has the most creative and great ideas. She is also a GA peach like me and gives awesome restaurant recommendations. So every year for our anniversary Ronnie would tell me to pick a Dixie Delights restaurant and without fail, it was always a winner!!

 We have enjoyed JRI Kitchen, The Optimist and many more.

I thought about taking myself out to eat but was not sure if I was really up for that. I remembered Amanda had mentioned IFly once, its an indoor sky diving facility off Cobb Parkway. I checked out their website and knew right away its what I wanted to do to mark the day! I made my appointment at 11 Am for 11 years and had THE BEST time ya'll!!!

You take a class, suit up and for 2 minutes its total freedom and adrenaline!!!

My instructor said he had never seen anyone smile as much as me :-)

I did it by myself and hope to do it again, I think Ronnie would have been really proud of me too. Below is a little pic from my flight:

And to so many of you who texted me, called me, messaged me and prayed for me, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I felt so loved and I am so grateful. I ended the day with a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses from my neighbor's The Turner Family, just like Ronnie use to give me XOXO

I took this right after my flight, pure adrenaline!

So how did August 1, 2009 even happen?

Let me share with your our first date on December 30, 2006!!

But a little back story on this one too :-)

My brother G really helped me remembering the details of this game, he has a great sports mind!

So in April of 2006 I scored a new job as a receptionist at the company I am still with today, they are absolutely wonderful and are a big part of support team. I work with some of my closest friends. All my life I have been a proud Bulldog fan, so at my desk during that time, I had a little Bulldog statue and pen for guests to sign in with, it was always a great conversation starter!! I love talking football with all kinds of fans, I have been going to the games with my family since I was 5, I bleed red and black :-)

That season though was not a great one for my Dawgs, GA had lost 4 out of 5 games including a lost at home to Vandy...YIKES!!

If ya'll know anything about the "Deep South's Oldest Rivalry" you know GA and Auburn are usually duking it out in November for something significant for one of them, especially with the SEC Championship just weeks away.

My Dad had gotten 4 tickets from one of his customers and gave them to us, pretty cool right?

So that Saturday, my brother G, cousin Andy, our sweet friend Gray and I headed to the 11 Am game (if that shows you how bad our season was going) against the #5 Auburn Tigers...IN AUBURN.

Even though it was pretty early, we stopped by the store first and got some adult beverages to help us get thru the game :-)

Little did we know what would be in store for the UGA fans that made the trip!!!

We arrived there and hooked up with our family friends The Poland's, some of the sweetest Auburn fans I know. UGA fans really didn't have that much to say on this one, we kinda figured what would happen. Then the game started. Our tickets were awesome, we were on row 8 from the field, great hook up HDawg!

I think that eagle even got pretty close to us when it flew by!

If you are not a UGA fan you are probably wanting to skip over this part (but Bama fans may enjoy it). Bulldog Tra Battle had 3 interception's, a record!!! And we got to see them so close!! We were going nuts jumping up and down!!!

After the game the GA fans stayed and celebrated with the Redcoat Band and the players came by and gave us high 5!! Its also when we scored the famous Trez Glove. Here are some pics from the game!

Victory!!!

Me & G!!!

GO DAWGS!!!!!

It was an awesome game, and that long story I just told ya'll once the exact same thing I told Ronnie the following Monday when he came into my office.

At that time he was working as a food caterer, all meeting food came to the front desk so when the cute guy with a brown hat on and earrings asked me how my weekend was, he got an earful!!!

Ronnie was a BIG Bulldog fan too, so he shared in my excitement!!

He told me how he had watched the game that Saturday too on TV and thought it was so cool I was actually there. I remember after we were dating Ronnie told me he left my office that day and told his coworker he had just meet his wife.

Ron was not much on social media (unlike me!), but I do remember he wrote this one year and it referenced what he had told me earlier, here is a screen shot of his post:

So after that conversation I started seeing him more often and he would also come surprising me with either my favorite salad, Cuban or peanut butter bar.

Then comes Christmas and Dad gave G and I each 2 tickets to the UGA vs Virginia Tech Chick fil a game. I was thinking about who I would ask and immediately wanted to ask Ronnie. But I was so nervous! I seem to be the kind of person who is just like "lets go ahead and pull the tooth, it may hurt but its done", rather then just having a hurt tooth. I figured the worst he can say is NO.

And if he does, at least I know and tried!

I still am like that today. I have asked many uncomfortable things and have gotten flat our REJECTED!!!!!

But at least I asked. And I hope you do too. Always try!!

But this time, I didn't get rejected, in fact it was the total opposite! I got his cell phone number from his work and left him a voicemail. He called me back pretty quickly and I stumbled through asking HIM on a date!!

He was really excited and asked if we could meet for coffee before we went to the game.

We did and had a great conversation. Then a few days later he came by my apartment in his blue Hyundai and we drove down to the Marta station. Then we took the train down to the GA Dome and meet up with my friends. Our seats were pretty high but we sat with G and our friend Ricky. We of course had some Chick fil a sandwiches, I think G scarfed down 2!!

It was a great first date, I remember that night when he walked me back to my front door he asked if he could come inside to "wash his hands".

I honestly had not idea he was wanting to give me a kiss...but he was too shy XOXO

So he washed his hands and gave me a good bye hug.

The next night was New Years Eve, I remember us texting each other a lot and I knew I was smitten. That was back when we both had flip phones :-)

Our next date we went out to eat at a local Alpharetta restaurant, when we got back in his car after dinner, he gave me a kiss. It was magical and I still have that same shirt I was wearing 14 years ago...although it fits a little different now!! 2 kids will do that :-)

We became girlfriend and boyfriend pretty soon after that and eventfully got married as ya'll know.

I hope by sharing this it gives YOU the confidence to try new things, go after what you want.

You may fail, you may get a no, you may feel embarrassed but always, always try!!

Believe in yourself and how great you are!!

You never know what may happen.

Also on the flip side, give people a chance, you may find something you never expected.

Just because of a little bit of courage, I got to experience a love that has forever changed my life. And I also got 2 of the biggest blessings of my life.

Love,

Lindsey

The Fifth Month Mark

Hello sweet friends!

 Happy Summer to everyone, I hope its going great for you so far and you are enjoying these longer sunny days. Taylor & Nicole have been enjoying every one, playing late into the night and snoozing late into the morning. On a recent Saturday morning both girls were still asleep at 10 AM, I could not believe it! For so many years as a parent with young kids, getting to sleep late just didn't happen. This is defiantly one of the perks of growing up!

Nicole is swimming so good without her floaties, both girls love hitting the pool with their friends. I also love getting to hang out with my neighbors, they are some of the best!

I wanted to write about a recent hurdle we made it through and share about Ronnie's graduation and teaching career. And I have another special guest writer who was sweet enough to join me!!

Some updates in my widow journey:

-I have become the bug killer in my house. This is not a job I care to have but its a job that has to get done (I feel this way about taking the trash cans out too!) We have an exterminator but this time of the year with kids running in and out of the house a lot, bugs want to get in...yuck. I sprayed one the other night thinking it would take him out. He kept on wiggling. Then I had to pull out my fly swatter and take him down. It was disgusting.

-I had my yearly exam with my doctor a few weeks ago, obviously I have had some life changes since then :-) They asked me to update my paperwork & this question came up:

It was one of those little things that made me sad. Ronnie was my go to contact, not just for emergencies, but in life. I could call that number listed and he was there for me. He would also listen to whatever I had to say. He was awesome at that. From politics, to work, to my love of The Memory Making Momma's blog, he always cared what I was talking about. I sure do miss that.

 So I changed the contact to my Dad, he is pretty great too XOXO

Although I did have that little hit, I also had some great news leaving my appointment, my blood pressure number looked great! When I came in last year, that was not the case. My doctor was pretty worried about how high it was. If you have ever loved someone with mental illness/addiction issues, you know its emotionally hard on your heart and can be physically too. I carried a lot of high anxiety and I am happy to say its gotten better. My doctor even gave me a big hug saying how proud she was of me!

Peace can be healing.

I seem to always go back and forth on talking about certain things, but its part of this journey & so many people who have lost someone they care about in anyway experience what many call "the year of firsts"

With a little bit of sarcasm and humor, obviously this Valentine's Day did not go down as one of my favorites. My birthday was 5 days after Ropo passed, I gladly opened the door and let 38 go welcoming 39. Easter looked a lot different with Coronavirus but my Mother's Day was very nice, a day filled with some many sweet messages and special things from my girls.

Then came Father's Day, my next hurdle.

I told my Mom one day that I never want to dread a day. I have a deep feeling on how precious life is & fight really hard to celebrate the good. When I say fight, its because when I know a hurdle is coming up I really try to be conscience of my thoughts and actions. If I am not on top of it or careful, the bitterness can grab a hold of me. If I don't fight back, it can take me down. I hope what I say next will not be taken the wrong way, or that you think I am not sympathetic towards someone that is sick, but I say it as a way to explain how complex my thoughts can be. And its me being a real Mom.

I learned through the last few years addiction is not logical.

What makes sense to me does not make sense to an addict. It is not how their mind works.

To me it can be as simple as, just don't do that. That is a terrible choice.

To an addict, they don't seem to work that way.

I have often been able to take a step back and see that but on the other side, I do not agree with or understand doing something that hurts your children.

Especially when you hurt my children.

And that is where the complexity comes in for me, if I am not on top of the Devil coming at me with that, it can get me. He knows where to hit. I often think that is why we are told at a young age about putting on the Armor of God. I think all of us fight something and we have to choose the good & happiness. Whatever that is for YOU, keep going for the good.

I decided to take the focus of Father's Day off Ronnie and on to the girls. I wanted it to be a special weekend for them, filled with new memories and lots of fun! And it was, we took a trip down to the Great Wolf Lodge in LaGrange, had some yummy BBQ with my Dad, took a trip to a pony farm & got to talk to Poppie for a little bit.

But also wanted to do something for their Daddy because he was a wonderful father and loved his girls so very much. The girls love him deeply & I know without a doubt, they were the loves of his life.

We planted this Magnolia Anne bush on the side of our house along with a little plaque for Ronnie. The quilt the girls are sitting on was made by his Mom, Omma got a collection of some of his favorite shirt like soccer tees, GA Bulldog tees and a Phish shirt, its awesome!

The girls made the heart hands all on their own.

I have always known Ronnie wanted to best for me and the girls, he wanted a great life for us and wrote me that at the end, he thought we were better off without him.

Part of me wants to take those words and burn them in the fiery lake never to exist again.

And the other part of me knows its the last thing I will ever have from him.

Deep breath.

Remember how I said earlier mental illness is not logical?

Ronnie's belief in my strength was stronger than my own.

He always told me I could do anything. I remember coming home one day after work upset, he put his arm around me, kissed me on the forehead & said "I know you got this, you can do it."

 And I do know I can handle a lot, life makes us.

Sink or swim.

He started that goal of a better life by going back to school.

When Ron and I first started dating he was working for one of the yummiest restaurants ever, Fancy Pantry while working an outpatient program called Insight. After graduating Shiloh High School in 2001 he headed south to Valdosta State University. I don't know much about this part of his life, he didn't like to talk about it, but I do know he was a bar tender who had a lot of fun. I also know he lost someone he loved very deeply that hit him pretty hard.

 I get that.

With some sobriety under his belt he seemed to know pretty quickly he wanted to teach. His Mom was a great teacher too, its in their blood :-)

Teachers are truly some of the best people.

He attended Perimeter College for 2 years while continuing to work then went to Kennesaw State University  to get his degree in middle grades math and social studies. School came pretty easy to him, I don't want to take away from the very long nights he spent studying and writing papers while working full time the next day. It is just he was a super smart guy. Especially with numbers, it was like breathing to him. 

One day I used my tip calculator app and he gave me like this "you just don't know that off the top of your head" look!

Often times people's reaction to middle school is not always the most positive! Why would you want to teach there? But it was something he knew in his heart, he would speak about his struggles starting in middle school. He could understand and be there for those kids, and he was.

This memory always makes me laugh, he was driving home one night after class talking to me on the phone and pulled into Arby's to get a late dinner. While driving, he took a bite of his potato cake, it was hard as a rock! He said it was still frozen! So he attempted to toss if out the window, well he missed and some how it came right back and nailed him in the face! I was cracking up!!!! He didn't think it was as funny as me.

During that time he smoked... he was a chimney. I would ride him about it! I would often tell him you need to keep your hand on the wheel and off those cigarettes and he would come back and sing Willie Nelson's Hand on the Wheel:

"Well its the same old song, it's right and it's wrong

And living is just something that I do

And with no place to hide, I looked in your eyes

And I found myself in you"

After 4 plus years in college and student teaching, Ronnie graduated with honors in December 2011. Our entire family was so very proud of him.

After graduation he scored his dream job at Haynes Bridge Middle School teaching 8th grade math. He did his student teaching there too with Special Education. It truly was his calling as well as his gift. He loved his school, staff and especially his kids so much. If you attended Ronnie's Celebration of Life Service you may remember Uncle Wally asking any former students of his to stand up. It was a moment I will never forget. I remember turning around telling myself, look at this, remember this. He touched so many. I even know there were students there he failed, I thought that said so much. They loved Mr. Portmann no matter what.

A few days after Ronnie passed I got an Instagram message from a young lady named Brooke who has become one of my sweetest friends. She was a student of Ronnie's and has shared with me MANY different ways he impacted her life. And its impacted mine. She has told me things I never knew. How he would talk about me and the girls, how much he loved us and all the pictures of us he would have in his room. She has brought me so many sweet smiles and I asked her if she would join me on this post. I figured the best way to talk about Ronnie as a teacher was right from one of his students.

Mr. Portmann taught me a great deal of lessons not only about math but life itself. Eighth grade was a very rough year for me. I was being bullied which led to depression and suicidal thoughts. I was moved into Mr. Portmann’s math class at the end of first semester my eighth grade year. I had always heard about how cool of a teacher he was & everyone wanted to be in on level just to have him. Every single day, I would walk in to 7th period and be greeted with an energy that was indescribable. His classroom felt like home. An escape from whatever else I was going through that day. An hour to relax & feel safe. I got in trouble pretty frequently because I would skip class and sit in the back of his room (LOL). I told him what I had been going through and he would constantly look out for me. I would frequently have panic attacks in class and instead of being ridiculed or called “over dramatic” like I was multiple times by others, he respected and validated my feelings. I would give him a one hand symbol & he knew I needed to go take a walk. Mr. Portmann trusted all his students. He cared. Most importantly, he loved us. He would come into class and tell us what his wife made for dinner, ask us how we all were, and then continue on with an engaging lesson. My nickname was “cookie” in class and eventually everyone started to call me that. Every class had inside jokes. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. If you didn’t know, middle schoolers can be pretty rude & like to mess around a bunch. Although, I never met someone who didn’t listen to Portmann. He had a way about him that was truly a gift. He could connect with kids from all different backgrounds & walks of life. No matter what your situation was, he could put a smile on your face. We kept in touch after I graduated middle school. I would go to Haynes to see him sometimes. He would always call and make sure I was on the right track in life. He would give me advice about college and career paths. After school when I would be freaking out about a math exam, he would take the time to go to a white board and explain it better than anyone could. He always encouraged me and saw true potential in me as a student when I didn’t see it in myself.  The irony of this whole situation is that I would have never known he had a bad day. He put all of his students before himself. I knew our lives affected him so deeply. Some days I just wish I could ask him “are you ok today?” instead of him asking me. I wish I could let him know to put himself first and how much we care about him. I wish he would scream “COOKIE STAY OUT OF TROUBLE” one more time down the hallway. When I was called on Valentine ’s Day this year by another lifeline for me, Mrs. Boglione, my heart sank. I immediately went to our texts and saw our last text conversation.

Mr. P: Do what you love girl, I could see u doing that, working with kids and asking the right questions 

Me: Thank you for always supporting me

Mr. P: You don’t need to thank me silly girl, I love you like a daughter :)

 

I know Mr. Portmann is teaching up in heaven. He was truly a blessing on this earth & his legacy will he carry on through his beautiful wife and children, family, students, and all others that he touched with his gracious soul.

Brooke is an incredible young lady who will be a senior this year at Centennial High School. The girls and I can't wait to see what this special year will hold for her and will be cheering her on ALL THE WAY!!! Thank you Brooke for being so special to me and my family XOXO

And one last thing I wanted to mention if you have not dozed off yet reading this long one!!

Ronnie was able to achieve his dream of teaching debt free through a scholarship funded by The Carl Stephen Wright Foundation. This foundation was set up in memory of one of our dearest family friends son Carl.

Nan, Lonnie & their entire family have been there for us from minute one. They truly understand what loss can feel like & they turned it into something good. They believed in Ronnie and gave him the means to achieve his dreams. Ronnie was able to take that and touch countless lives. His job was also a means for us to achieve our dream of owning a home and so much more.

I am forever grateful.

Love,

Lindsey

 



The Fourth Month Mark

Hello friends! I always appreciate the time you take to check in on us, all your sweet comments bring me so much encouragement!

 So, here we are at the 4 month mark, the girls and I are well. We wrapped up 1st grade a few weeks ago with big smiles. They love being on summer break! Our days seem to be filled with lots of friends, pool time, late night spend the night parties and ice cream cones. I continue to be amazed by the girls strength and kindness. They both have done so well this entire school year, learning new things, making new friends and continued on doing all this after Ronnie's passing. Their teachers have been so supportive. The girls are pretty incredible XOXO

As for me, I am doing well too. I have had a few unique & bittersweet moments along the way I wanted to share. I wanted to try to explain a little of how my head can sometimes work. I thought it may give someone reading this a feeling that they are not as weird or alone as sometimes it can feel.

 I also wanted to tell ya'll about the day Ronnie asked me to marry him with a special guest writer!

Many of you who know me, know I LOVE the show Outlander. I have been a fan for years, I watch all the episodes (when the girls are asleep, its for adult eyes only). I have t-shirts, an Outlander magazine, a Sassenach bumper sticker (thanks Katie B!) and a Highlander skirt! Ron knew this too, one day he texted me this picture:

Ha!! My love for Jamie runs deep!! Ronnie said it was my free pass :-)

Do you hear that Jamie Fraser?!?!

A few Sunday nights ago was the season finale titled Never My Love, it was a take on the beautiful song by The Association:

You ask me if there'll come a time

When I grow tired of you

Never My Love

Never My Love

You wonder if this heart of mine

Will lose its desire for you

Never My Love

Never My Love

Without giving away the entire episode, Claire experiences a very traumatic event, the way she pushed through it was letting her mind take her to a different place.

She envisioned Thanksgiving with all her family around the table celebrating.

Her husband Jamie comes behind her and wraps her in a blanket and they dance to Never My Love. It was her happy place.

Watching this, I thought to myself I do that a lot. If I start to get close to some of the scary/sad parts, I intentionally try to change my mind. Thinking of his last moments rips into my heart like nothing else. I tend to do that with my emotions too. If the sadness hits, I will try to switch my mind to things that made me angry.

For me, anger is easier than sadness.

This is probably not the best way to handle grief if any therapists are reading this!! But its a way for me to just keep moving. Sometimes its the most I can do.

So back to the episode, while eating dinner Claire notices her daughter and son-in-law not there. In the happiness, fear can always try to creep in.

She then gets a knock at the door and it was 2 police officers letting her know Bree and Roger did not make it.

The scene had her in a red dress and when I saw it, I kind of froze.

It was like I had been hit with a sniper shot.

 I was wearing a red dress February 13 very similar to Claire's. My face looked very similar to hers in this picture walking down the office hallway into a conference room. I had 2 officers tell me he didn't make it.

I had Chaplin Mike wrap his arms around me like a warm blanket.

I share this because its how grief can hit. Sitting in a comfy chair watching your favorite show sipping a Zaxby's sweet tea can instantly take you back.

But I have also found when it does hit me, I let it come and it goes away too.

I talk about it with my family and friends. Keep talking. Reach out to others, it helps.

Being a widow, I am learning unique experiences are always happening, here are a few :

-When Ronnie was cremated I was asked if I wanted to be in there when his body was turned into dust. My reaction looked a lot like this:

If you are wondering, I passed on that one! But thought to myself giving him a little push may have helped my anger issues, got to find some humor right?!

-I had to write a letter  to the IRS explaining why they overpaid me on the stimulus check. I did think about not saying anything (just being honest!!), but my financial advisor AKA Hdawg Kee advised against that one. He told me to write the check (and I did, don't worry!!) He also likes to tell me that when I complain about UGA ticket prices. Just write the check!

-Another unique situation for widow's is what do I do with my ring?

I wanted to share with ya'll what I decided but first how I got it.

 I asked my sweet Mom to join me on this post. I wanted her to share how my Hubby first asked for their blessing in our marriage XOXO

I knew from the moment I met Ronnie ( I’ve always called him Ronnie, it fit his personality & it kept us  from getting confused between him & his dad, Ron Sr) that there was something different, something special that set him apart from other guys that Lindsey had dated.  Ronnie had such an enduring,  welcoming personality, that we felt like we had known him all along! That first date to the Peach Bowl, the Gwinnett County connection, The UGA connection…all lead to this feeling that it was more than just a casual relationship.  All that said, it was STILL a surprise to us when we got a phone call one afternoon, mid-week from Ronnie saying he just happened to be in Columbus & asked if we were home, he wanted to “stop by”.   As most of you know, we live in Columbus, Ga, that makes us about 2 hours from Alpharetta &  I knew there was no such thing as being “in the neighborhood” or “dropping by”! 😊  Like most moms, I immediately went into the “worry mode” thinking something was surely wrong, and never once did it occur to me what he was going to ask!  After speaking to him on the phone & a couple of wrong turns, there he is at the front door ringing the bell.

I remember well, Garrett had just started @ Ga Southern , so it was just the two of us.  Harold had made porkchops and his semi-famous mac & cheese for dinner… we were about to sit down for dinner, so of course I set Ronnie a plate too! Ronnie later told me he was so nervous he was afraid to eat because he might throw up!  After some very casual but nervous small talk, he finally said the reason he was there was to ask us permission to ask Lindsey to marry him.  Talk about shock & relief… it was both for me!  Harold gave him the typical dad speech with his own, personal marital advice, and the most important words of wisdom…  always keep God in the center of your life~

Ronnie confided to us that at first,  he was going to call instead of driving down, but his dad advised that the right thing to do was to go in person.  That one statement spoke volumes about the integrity in how he was raised and family values!  After we gave him our blessings, he could finally relax enough to eat some dinner, and I had to ask him, how did you pull this off without Lindsey knowing?  At that time, Ronnie was going to Kennesaw State, taking night classes, so he said he actually skipped class that night to come down and…  he had to leave shortly to get back so Lindsey wouldn’t find out! I wouldn’t trade those memories , a very special time for our family!  The hard part for us was keeping mum until he found the perfect time to pop the big question…. I’m sure Lindsey will fill you in on that special night!

Love, Cathy

Mom & Ronnie are both October babies so we often celebrated their birthday's together!








Sunday afternoon, December 21st, 2008 Ronnie and I were living in a one bedroom apartment in Alpharetta, it was before kids and Coronavirus so we got to go out to eat a lot! Always so much fun! That afternoon he asked me if I wanted to go eat dinner down at Atlantic Station, I said of course!!

Atlantic Station was one of the first places we went to when we started dating, he had bought tickets to Cirque du Soleil. He was still driving his old blue Hyundai, the passenger door didn't work, I always had to climb in :-) But he showed up with roses and a People Magazine for that date (which I STILL have!). We ate some hot dogs and had a great time.  We also had a Valentine's Day dinner down there and got a huge plate of cheesecakes, I was in heaven!
 So for dinner we headed down to California Pizza Kitchen, we sat at the bar and watched the Falcons vs the Vikings. I noticed he kept checking his phone looking at the time. After we finished up our pizza it was about 15 til 7 PM and he asked me if I wanted to walk outside and look at the Christmas lights, you know I was all over that! It was pretty cold that night but lovely. They had beautiful big Christmas tree lit up. Here we are about 5 min until 7 PM:

Then right at 7 PM a snow machine started up, it was like walking thru a winter wonderland!

Turns out Ronnie had known they turned the snow on at 7, he did a little research.

We walked over to a bench and what he said after that I HAVE NO IDEA!!!!

All I remember was him getting down on his knee, saying how much he loved me and a beautiful ring!!!!! I think I was soo excited I couldn't process everything but I did say YES!!

A sweet couple took this picture when they saw what was happening. It was truly one of the best moments of my life. We were both grinning ear to ear. The man I loved so very much wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, I couldn't believe it!! A dream come true XOXO

We got home that night and were on the phone with all our family, it was so exciting telling everyone. I remember we stayed up late that night just talking and imagining what our wedding would be like, when we would do it, etc. It was a very special time & one I will never forget. We were married August 1, 2009 & I wore both the engagement and wedding bands since then (except when my entire being swelled up in pregnancy!!).

I had started thinking about my rings and what I wanted to do a few weeks ago but have not talked to anyone about it. I knew there were many options of what others had done and I thought it was something I needed to feel totally confident in by myself.

But it has truly been a bittersweet decision for me.

On one hand (get it?!) how in the world could I ever choose to change one of the most beautiful and meaningful gifts Ronnie ever gave me. He spent months making taco's late at night and going to school the next day to afford the rings. He worked so hard for it. The diamond had been given to him by his father, it was in The Portmann family. It has been with me for so many experiences with him.

On the other hand, I didn't want it to just sit in a box.

I had thought it would just go to my girls when they took it off my cold, lifeless hand.

Not my 39 year old warm blooded one.

But the reality is here I am now and I knew I wanted to find a way to carry forward with it so I met with my very sweet jeweler who knew the situation and handled it so gracefully with me. After talking about some options I handed him my ring and drove off. You can probably guess the gulp in my throat hit pretty hard.

That night I talked to my sweet friend who has walked a similar journey about how I was feeling. It helps me to hear how others have handled these situations. I think it helps all of us, no matter what kind of situation we are dealing with to just talk & have people listen. I always remain grateful for all of you who do that for me XOXO

About a week later the diamond was ready, I took the girls with me and explained to them what I was picking up. We opened it up together and were all 3 so excited! It shined so bright!! Coco said it was "so shiny like the Moana song!" It turned out beautiful and its a way to keep something I will forever treasure close to my heart, just in a little different way. In this picture you may also notice my ring tattoo, Ronnie and I got these when we came back from our honeymoon. My rings use to cover it and in a way now, has become more symbolic.

Carrying on with a beautiful & special diamond close to my heart now in halo necklace from my Angel XOXO

Love,

Lindsey