The Fifth Month Mark

Hello sweet friends!

 Happy Summer to everyone, I hope its going great for you so far and you are enjoying these longer sunny days. Taylor & Nicole have been enjoying every one, playing late into the night and snoozing late into the morning. On a recent Saturday morning both girls were still asleep at 10 AM, I could not believe it! For so many years as a parent with young kids, getting to sleep late just didn't happen. This is defiantly one of the perks of growing up!

Nicole is swimming so good without her floaties, both girls love hitting the pool with their friends. I also love getting to hang out with my neighbors, they are some of the best!

I wanted to write about a recent hurdle we made it through and share about Ronnie's graduation and teaching career. And I have another special guest writer who was sweet enough to join me!!

Some updates in my widow journey:

-I have become the bug killer in my house. This is not a job I care to have but its a job that has to get done (I feel this way about taking the trash cans out too!) We have an exterminator but this time of the year with kids running in and out of the house a lot, bugs want to get in...yuck. I sprayed one the other night thinking it would take him out. He kept on wiggling. Then I had to pull out my fly swatter and take him down. It was disgusting.

-I had my yearly exam with my doctor a few weeks ago, obviously I have had some life changes since then :-) They asked me to update my paperwork & this question came up:

It was one of those little things that made me sad. Ronnie was my go to contact, not just for emergencies, but in life. I could call that number listed and he was there for me. He would also listen to whatever I had to say. He was awesome at that. From politics, to work, to my love of The Memory Making Momma's blog, he always cared what I was talking about. I sure do miss that.

 So I changed the contact to my Dad, he is pretty great too XOXO

Although I did have that little hit, I also had some great news leaving my appointment, my blood pressure number looked great! When I came in last year, that was not the case. My doctor was pretty worried about how high it was. If you have ever loved someone with mental illness/addiction issues, you know its emotionally hard on your heart and can be physically too. I carried a lot of high anxiety and I am happy to say its gotten better. My doctor even gave me a big hug saying how proud she was of me!

Peace can be healing.

I seem to always go back and forth on talking about certain things, but its part of this journey & so many people who have lost someone they care about in anyway experience what many call "the year of firsts"

With a little bit of sarcasm and humor, obviously this Valentine's Day did not go down as one of my favorites. My birthday was 5 days after Ropo passed, I gladly opened the door and let 38 go welcoming 39. Easter looked a lot different with Coronavirus but my Mother's Day was very nice, a day filled with some many sweet messages and special things from my girls.

Then came Father's Day, my next hurdle.

I told my Mom one day that I never want to dread a day. I have a deep feeling on how precious life is & fight really hard to celebrate the good. When I say fight, its because when I know a hurdle is coming up I really try to be conscience of my thoughts and actions. If I am not on top of it or careful, the bitterness can grab a hold of me. If I don't fight back, it can take me down. I hope what I say next will not be taken the wrong way, or that you think I am not sympathetic towards someone that is sick, but I say it as a way to explain how complex my thoughts can be. And its me being a real Mom.

I learned through the last few years addiction is not logical.

What makes sense to me does not make sense to an addict. It is not how their mind works.

To me it can be as simple as, just don't do that. That is a terrible choice.

To an addict, they don't seem to work that way.

I have often been able to take a step back and see that but on the other side, I do not agree with or understand doing something that hurts your children.

Especially when you hurt my children.

And that is where the complexity comes in for me, if I am not on top of the Devil coming at me with that, it can get me. He knows where to hit. I often think that is why we are told at a young age about putting on the Armor of God. I think all of us fight something and we have to choose the good & happiness. Whatever that is for YOU, keep going for the good.

I decided to take the focus of Father's Day off Ronnie and on to the girls. I wanted it to be a special weekend for them, filled with new memories and lots of fun! And it was, we took a trip down to the Great Wolf Lodge in LaGrange, had some yummy BBQ with my Dad, took a trip to a pony farm & got to talk to Poppie for a little bit.

But also wanted to do something for their Daddy because he was a wonderful father and loved his girls so very much. The girls love him deeply & I know without a doubt, they were the loves of his life.

We planted this Magnolia Anne bush on the side of our house along with a little plaque for Ronnie. The quilt the girls are sitting on was made by his Mom, Omma got a collection of some of his favorite shirt like soccer tees, GA Bulldog tees and a Phish shirt, its awesome!

The girls made the heart hands all on their own.

I have always known Ronnie wanted to best for me and the girls, he wanted a great life for us and wrote me that at the end, he thought we were better off without him.

Part of me wants to take those words and burn them in the fiery lake never to exist again.

And the other part of me knows its the last thing I will ever have from him.

Deep breath.

Remember how I said earlier mental illness is not logical?

Ronnie's belief in my strength was stronger than my own.

He always told me I could do anything. I remember coming home one day after work upset, he put his arm around me, kissed me on the forehead & said "I know you got this, you can do it."

 And I do know I can handle a lot, life makes us.

Sink or swim.

He started that goal of a better life by going back to school.

When Ron and I first started dating he was working for one of the yummiest restaurants ever, Fancy Pantry while working an outpatient program called Insight. After graduating Shiloh High School in 2001 he headed south to Valdosta State University. I don't know much about this part of his life, he didn't like to talk about it, but I do know he was a bar tender who had a lot of fun. I also know he lost someone he loved very deeply that hit him pretty hard.

 I get that.

With some sobriety under his belt he seemed to know pretty quickly he wanted to teach. His Mom was a great teacher too, its in their blood :-)

Teachers are truly some of the best people.

He attended Perimeter College for 2 years while continuing to work then went to Kennesaw State University  to get his degree in middle grades math and social studies. School came pretty easy to him, I don't want to take away from the very long nights he spent studying and writing papers while working full time the next day. It is just he was a super smart guy. Especially with numbers, it was like breathing to him. 

One day I used my tip calculator app and he gave me like this "you just don't know that off the top of your head" look!

Often times people's reaction to middle school is not always the most positive! Why would you want to teach there? But it was something he knew in his heart, he would speak about his struggles starting in middle school. He could understand and be there for those kids, and he was.

This memory always makes me laugh, he was driving home one night after class talking to me on the phone and pulled into Arby's to get a late dinner. While driving, he took a bite of his potato cake, it was hard as a rock! He said it was still frozen! So he attempted to toss if out the window, well he missed and some how it came right back and nailed him in the face! I was cracking up!!!! He didn't think it was as funny as me.

During that time he smoked... he was a chimney. I would ride him about it! I would often tell him you need to keep your hand on the wheel and off those cigarettes and he would come back and sing Willie Nelson's Hand on the Wheel:

"Well its the same old song, it's right and it's wrong

And living is just something that I do

And with no place to hide, I looked in your eyes

And I found myself in you"

After 4 plus years in college and student teaching, Ronnie graduated with honors in December 2011. Our entire family was so very proud of him.

After graduation he scored his dream job at Haynes Bridge Middle School teaching 8th grade math. He did his student teaching there too with Special Education. It truly was his calling as well as his gift. He loved his school, staff and especially his kids so much. If you attended Ronnie's Celebration of Life Service you may remember Uncle Wally asking any former students of his to stand up. It was a moment I will never forget. I remember turning around telling myself, look at this, remember this. He touched so many. I even know there were students there he failed, I thought that said so much. They loved Mr. Portmann no matter what.

A few days after Ronnie passed I got an Instagram message from a young lady named Brooke who has become one of my sweetest friends. She was a student of Ronnie's and has shared with me MANY different ways he impacted her life. And its impacted mine. She has told me things I never knew. How he would talk about me and the girls, how much he loved us and all the pictures of us he would have in his room. She has brought me so many sweet smiles and I asked her if she would join me on this post. I figured the best way to talk about Ronnie as a teacher was right from one of his students.

Mr. Portmann taught me a great deal of lessons not only about math but life itself. Eighth grade was a very rough year for me. I was being bullied which led to depression and suicidal thoughts. I was moved into Mr. Portmann’s math class at the end of first semester my eighth grade year. I had always heard about how cool of a teacher he was & everyone wanted to be in on level just to have him. Every single day, I would walk in to 7th period and be greeted with an energy that was indescribable. His classroom felt like home. An escape from whatever else I was going through that day. An hour to relax & feel safe. I got in trouble pretty frequently because I would skip class and sit in the back of his room (LOL). I told him what I had been going through and he would constantly look out for me. I would frequently have panic attacks in class and instead of being ridiculed or called “over dramatic” like I was multiple times by others, he respected and validated my feelings. I would give him a one hand symbol & he knew I needed to go take a walk. Mr. Portmann trusted all his students. He cared. Most importantly, he loved us. He would come into class and tell us what his wife made for dinner, ask us how we all were, and then continue on with an engaging lesson. My nickname was “cookie” in class and eventually everyone started to call me that. Every class had inside jokes. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. If you didn’t know, middle schoolers can be pretty rude & like to mess around a bunch. Although, I never met someone who didn’t listen to Portmann. He had a way about him that was truly a gift. He could connect with kids from all different backgrounds & walks of life. No matter what your situation was, he could put a smile on your face. We kept in touch after I graduated middle school. I would go to Haynes to see him sometimes. He would always call and make sure I was on the right track in life. He would give me advice about college and career paths. After school when I would be freaking out about a math exam, he would take the time to go to a white board and explain it better than anyone could. He always encouraged me and saw true potential in me as a student when I didn’t see it in myself.  The irony of this whole situation is that I would have never known he had a bad day. He put all of his students before himself. I knew our lives affected him so deeply. Some days I just wish I could ask him “are you ok today?” instead of him asking me. I wish I could let him know to put himself first and how much we care about him. I wish he would scream “COOKIE STAY OUT OF TROUBLE” one more time down the hallway. When I was called on Valentine ’s Day this year by another lifeline for me, Mrs. Boglione, my heart sank. I immediately went to our texts and saw our last text conversation.

Mr. P: Do what you love girl, I could see u doing that, working with kids and asking the right questions 

Me: Thank you for always supporting me

Mr. P: You don’t need to thank me silly girl, I love you like a daughter :)

 

I know Mr. Portmann is teaching up in heaven. He was truly a blessing on this earth & his legacy will he carry on through his beautiful wife and children, family, students, and all others that he touched with his gracious soul.

Brooke is an incredible young lady who will be a senior this year at Centennial High School. The girls and I can't wait to see what this special year will hold for her and will be cheering her on ALL THE WAY!!! Thank you Brooke for being so special to me and my family XOXO

And one last thing I wanted to mention if you have not dozed off yet reading this long one!!

Ronnie was able to achieve his dream of teaching debt free through a scholarship funded by The Carl Stephen Wright Foundation. This foundation was set up in memory of one of our dearest family friends son Carl.

Nan, Lonnie & their entire family have been there for us from minute one. They truly understand what loss can feel like & they turned it into something good. They believed in Ronnie and gave him the means to achieve his dreams. Ronnie was able to take that and touch countless lives. His job was also a means for us to achieve our dream of owning a home and so much more.

I am forever grateful.

Love,

Lindsey

 



The Fourth Month Mark

Hello friends! I always appreciate the time you take to check in on us, all your sweet comments bring me so much encouragement!

 So, here we are at the 4 month mark, the girls and I are well. We wrapped up 1st grade a few weeks ago with big smiles. They love being on summer break! Our days seem to be filled with lots of friends, pool time, late night spend the night parties and ice cream cones. I continue to be amazed by the girls strength and kindness. They both have done so well this entire school year, learning new things, making new friends and continued on doing all this after Ronnie's passing. Their teachers have been so supportive. The girls are pretty incredible XOXO

As for me, I am doing well too. I have had a few unique & bittersweet moments along the way I wanted to share. I wanted to try to explain a little of how my head can sometimes work. I thought it may give someone reading this a feeling that they are not as weird or alone as sometimes it can feel.

 I also wanted to tell ya'll about the day Ronnie asked me to marry him with a special guest writer!

Many of you who know me, know I LOVE the show Outlander. I have been a fan for years, I watch all the episodes (when the girls are asleep, its for adult eyes only). I have t-shirts, an Outlander magazine, a Sassenach bumper sticker (thanks Katie B!) and a Highlander skirt! Ron knew this too, one day he texted me this picture:

Ha!! My love for Jamie runs deep!! Ronnie said it was my free pass :-)

Do you hear that Jamie Fraser?!?!

A few Sunday nights ago was the season finale titled Never My Love, it was a take on the beautiful song by The Association:

You ask me if there'll come a time

When I grow tired of you

Never My Love

Never My Love

You wonder if this heart of mine

Will lose its desire for you

Never My Love

Never My Love

Without giving away the entire episode, Claire experiences a very traumatic event, the way she pushed through it was letting her mind take her to a different place.

She envisioned Thanksgiving with all her family around the table celebrating.

Her husband Jamie comes behind her and wraps her in a blanket and they dance to Never My Love. It was her happy place.

Watching this, I thought to myself I do that a lot. If I start to get close to some of the scary/sad parts, I intentionally try to change my mind. Thinking of his last moments rips into my heart like nothing else. I tend to do that with my emotions too. If the sadness hits, I will try to switch my mind to things that made me angry.

For me, anger is easier than sadness.

This is probably not the best way to handle grief if any therapists are reading this!! But its a way for me to just keep moving. Sometimes its the most I can do.

So back to the episode, while eating dinner Claire notices her daughter and son-in-law not there. In the happiness, fear can always try to creep in.

She then gets a knock at the door and it was 2 police officers letting her know Bree and Roger did not make it.

The scene had her in a red dress and when I saw it, I kind of froze.

It was like I had been hit with a sniper shot.

 I was wearing a red dress February 13 very similar to Claire's. My face looked very similar to hers in this picture walking down the office hallway into a conference room. I had 2 officers tell me he didn't make it.

I had Chaplin Mike wrap his arms around me like a warm blanket.

I share this because its how grief can hit. Sitting in a comfy chair watching your favorite show sipping a Zaxby's sweet tea can instantly take you back.

But I have also found when it does hit me, I let it come and it goes away too.

I talk about it with my family and friends. Keep talking. Reach out to others, it helps.

Being a widow, I am learning unique experiences are always happening, here are a few :

-When Ronnie was cremated I was asked if I wanted to be in there when his body was turned into dust. My reaction looked a lot like this:

If you are wondering, I passed on that one! But thought to myself giving him a little push may have helped my anger issues, got to find some humor right?!

-I had to write a letter  to the IRS explaining why they overpaid me on the stimulus check. I did think about not saying anything (just being honest!!), but my financial advisor AKA Hdawg Kee advised against that one. He told me to write the check (and I did, don't worry!!) He also likes to tell me that when I complain about UGA ticket prices. Just write the check!

-Another unique situation for widow's is what do I do with my ring?

I wanted to share with ya'll what I decided but first how I got it.

 I asked my sweet Mom to join me on this post. I wanted her to share how my Hubby first asked for their blessing in our marriage XOXO

I knew from the moment I met Ronnie ( I’ve always called him Ronnie, it fit his personality & it kept us  from getting confused between him & his dad, Ron Sr) that there was something different, something special that set him apart from other guys that Lindsey had dated.  Ronnie had such an enduring,  welcoming personality, that we felt like we had known him all along! That first date to the Peach Bowl, the Gwinnett County connection, The UGA connection…all lead to this feeling that it was more than just a casual relationship.  All that said, it was STILL a surprise to us when we got a phone call one afternoon, mid-week from Ronnie saying he just happened to be in Columbus & asked if we were home, he wanted to “stop by”.   As most of you know, we live in Columbus, Ga, that makes us about 2 hours from Alpharetta &  I knew there was no such thing as being “in the neighborhood” or “dropping by”! 😊  Like most moms, I immediately went into the “worry mode” thinking something was surely wrong, and never once did it occur to me what he was going to ask!  After speaking to him on the phone & a couple of wrong turns, there he is at the front door ringing the bell.

I remember well, Garrett had just started @ Ga Southern , so it was just the two of us.  Harold had made porkchops and his semi-famous mac & cheese for dinner… we were about to sit down for dinner, so of course I set Ronnie a plate too! Ronnie later told me he was so nervous he was afraid to eat because he might throw up!  After some very casual but nervous small talk, he finally said the reason he was there was to ask us permission to ask Lindsey to marry him.  Talk about shock & relief… it was both for me!  Harold gave him the typical dad speech with his own, personal marital advice, and the most important words of wisdom…  always keep God in the center of your life~

Ronnie confided to us that at first,  he was going to call instead of driving down, but his dad advised that the right thing to do was to go in person.  That one statement spoke volumes about the integrity in how he was raised and family values!  After we gave him our blessings, he could finally relax enough to eat some dinner, and I had to ask him, how did you pull this off without Lindsey knowing?  At that time, Ronnie was going to Kennesaw State, taking night classes, so he said he actually skipped class that night to come down and…  he had to leave shortly to get back so Lindsey wouldn’t find out! I wouldn’t trade those memories , a very special time for our family!  The hard part for us was keeping mum until he found the perfect time to pop the big question…. I’m sure Lindsey will fill you in on that special night!

Love, Cathy

Mom & Ronnie are both October babies so we often celebrated their birthday's together!








Sunday afternoon, December 21st, 2008 Ronnie and I were living in a one bedroom apartment in Alpharetta, it was before kids and Coronavirus so we got to go out to eat a lot! Always so much fun! That afternoon he asked me if I wanted to go eat dinner down at Atlantic Station, I said of course!!

Atlantic Station was one of the first places we went to when we started dating, he had bought tickets to Cirque du Soleil. He was still driving his old blue Hyundai, the passenger door didn't work, I always had to climb in :-) But he showed up with roses and a People Magazine for that date (which I STILL have!). We ate some hot dogs and had a great time.  We also had a Valentine's Day dinner down there and got a huge plate of cheesecakes, I was in heaven!
 So for dinner we headed down to California Pizza Kitchen, we sat at the bar and watched the Falcons vs the Vikings. I noticed he kept checking his phone looking at the time. After we finished up our pizza it was about 15 til 7 PM and he asked me if I wanted to walk outside and look at the Christmas lights, you know I was all over that! It was pretty cold that night but lovely. They had beautiful big Christmas tree lit up. Here we are about 5 min until 7 PM:

Then right at 7 PM a snow machine started up, it was like walking thru a winter wonderland!

Turns out Ronnie had known they turned the snow on at 7, he did a little research.

We walked over to a bench and what he said after that I HAVE NO IDEA!!!!

All I remember was him getting down on his knee, saying how much he loved me and a beautiful ring!!!!! I think I was soo excited I couldn't process everything but I did say YES!!

A sweet couple took this picture when they saw what was happening. It was truly one of the best moments of my life. We were both grinning ear to ear. The man I loved so very much wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, I couldn't believe it!! A dream come true XOXO

We got home that night and were on the phone with all our family, it was so exciting telling everyone. I remember we stayed up late that night just talking and imagining what our wedding would be like, when we would do it, etc. It was a very special time & one I will never forget. We were married August 1, 2009 & I wore both the engagement and wedding bands since then (except when my entire being swelled up in pregnancy!!).

I had started thinking about my rings and what I wanted to do a few weeks ago but have not talked to anyone about it. I knew there were many options of what others had done and I thought it was something I needed to feel totally confident in by myself.

But it has truly been a bittersweet decision for me.

On one hand (get it?!) how in the world could I ever choose to change one of the most beautiful and meaningful gifts Ronnie ever gave me. He spent months making taco's late at night and going to school the next day to afford the rings. He worked so hard for it. The diamond had been given to him by his father, it was in The Portmann family. It has been with me for so many experiences with him.

On the other hand, I didn't want it to just sit in a box.

I had thought it would just go to my girls when they took it off my cold, lifeless hand.

Not my 39 year old warm blooded one.

But the reality is here I am now and I knew I wanted to find a way to carry forward with it so I met with my very sweet jeweler who knew the situation and handled it so gracefully with me. After talking about some options I handed him my ring and drove off. You can probably guess the gulp in my throat hit pretty hard.

That night I talked to my sweet friend who has walked a similar journey about how I was feeling. It helps me to hear how others have handled these situations. I think it helps all of us, no matter what kind of situation we are dealing with to just talk & have people listen. I always remain grateful for all of you who do that for me XOXO

About a week later the diamond was ready, I took the girls with me and explained to them what I was picking up. We opened it up together and were all 3 so excited! It shined so bright!! Coco said it was "so shiny like the Moana song!" It turned out beautiful and its a way to keep something I will forever treasure close to my heart, just in a little different way. In this picture you may also notice my ring tattoo, Ronnie and I got these when we came back from our honeymoon. My rings use to cover it and in a way now, has become more symbolic.

Carrying on with a beautiful & special diamond close to my heart now in halo necklace from my Angel XOXO

Love,

Lindsey



The Three Month Mark

The number 3 seems to pop up for me a lot these past 3 months, if you follow me on Facebook you may remember I made a post a few weeks ago about what the number 3 and what it meant to me along with angels, I think there are some special meanings behind it. We are now a family of 3.

 

Ronnie was also baptized on the 3rd Sunday in July and that's a special memory I would like to share with ya'll.

We are doing well, it seems as time has moved along, the questions about their Daddy have increased. It seems certain things trigger these questions, the biggest 2 is being in the car or in the bathroom :-)

Some questions can be pretty funny cause you HAVE to find humor in all of this to get by.

Here are a few:

-Do you fart in heaven?

-Did Daddy see Gizmo and PK? (our dog and cat who have passed)

-I was getting ready one morning curling my hair and Nicole walked up to me holding her IPad and goes "Did Daddy die of Coronavirus?" No surprise why Coco asked this one!! This is when he was pressure washing. Widowed parents have to be ready for anything!

-Is there online learning in heaven (this came from Taylor)

I gave a big NO on that one (or at least I hope)!! This has been one of the biggest things I have to really get my patience on for (just being honest). One night Taylor had to do 2 worksheets and she said something along the lines of a complaint after she had been playing all day and I had been working. My reaction looked a little like this:

Of course I felt absolutely TERRIBLE after I lost my cool!! I apologized for it and since then school work has gone pretty good, she may not want to poke Mommy Beast :-)

Talking to my kids about death has been pretty complex for me, obviously I am no expert. I try to be honest and age appropriate at the same time. I hope that I say the right things and always try to end the conversation about how much they are loved and safe.

I originally had plans to make this post about something different, but one day while driving the Zach Williams song Fear Is a Liar came on and changed my mind.

When he told you you're not good enough, When he told you you're not right

When he told you you're not strong enough to put up a good fight

When he told you you're not worthy

When he told you you're not loved

When he told you you're not beautiful, that you will never be enough

Fear he is a liar, He will take your breath stop you in your steps

Cast your fear in the fire, 'Cause fear he is a liar

My hope is to word this correctly and let you know my memories. I am nervous it may be too dark, but heck, addiction and mental illness can be pretty dark.

I can't speak for what Ronnie exactly saw or felt all I know what he told me and the great things that happened after it.

I wanted to share my memories of his baptism and the events that let up to it. I feel like sharing a little bit of what got him to that point may show exactly how special of a day it was for him and those that love him.

Mothers Day 2019 I was sitting in church and Pastor Shaun was giving his sermon, I remember him saying "Your fatal flaw is not final." Then my phone started vibrating, I first ignored it but it kept on ringing from Augusta, GA. Ronnie was currently in rehab down there and it was not the usual time he was allowed to call so I figured I better pick up.

I grabbed the girls and we went into the bathroom and I called the number back, it was a nurse letting me know that Ronnie had been taken to Augusta Hospital, he had blacked out and was not responsive so they called for an ambulance. The reason I bring this part up is to show that this was my proof he at that time was in a sober state and not under any substances. If you know anything about rehab they do a VERY thorough search when you enter, no drugs, no alcohol and no belts or shoelaces. They check your crevasses too :-) For the rest of that Sunday I was on the phone with doctors asking me questions about his past and running multiple tests on him to see what happened. They could not figure out what it was, what made him black out. But they did confirm with me there was no trace of drugs or alcohol in his system. They kept him there for 2 more days and its where I want his words to step in as best as I can remember.

After a month in rehab he came back home in June. That night when the girls finally went to sleep (as you can imagine every time he would return home they were on cloud 9 with excitement and energy) he wanted to tell me what happened in the Augusta Hospital.

Ronnie told me he saw Jesus, he told me he could clearly see it was Him. He also saw a demon in a cage in the corner. That is where the Zach Williams song kicked in my head. Fear is the liar. My thinking is that symbolized the demons Ronnie fought so hard against. Ron said he saw the girls and I in this encounter. He said he felt like God gave him a glimpse into the future of what would happen if he used again with the girls and I not being there anymore. I know that was one of his biggest fears was losing us.

Remember this all happened while Ron was in the hospital and all the tests showed his was sober.

This encounter touched Ronnie deeply and he wanted to meet with Pastor Shaun to talk about it, so he did and a few weeks later Ronnie was baptized at our church.

Before the actual baptism Pastor Shaun talked about 2 characters in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. The main character Eustace steals an armband, turns into a dragon and can't get the armband off. Then he meets a lion called Aslan which symbolized Christ. Eustace just wanted to relief from the armband, it was too tight and it hurt. Aslan told him to follow me into the water but first you have to undress and rid yourself.

Eustace tried to shed his own skin, the skin he gave himself. The armband he put on. 

He didn't want to be in it anymore.

Ronnie felt that way sometimes.

Every time Eustace would shed his skin himself, more scales would grow back.

Aslan told him, in the water I have to undress you.

You can't do this by yourself.

Since Aslan was a lion he had massive claws, the first skin he shredded from Eustace was very painful but once he got in the water with the lion his skin became beautiful. It didn't hurt.

Christ shredded his old skin.

Ronnie allowed the God who loved him to shed his skin and that Sunday my family got see that symbol and celebrate it. One if the very best parts was that both Taylor and Nicole got to see it.

Here is Dad holding Nicole during the baptism:

My girls getting to see their Daddy rise from the water is one of the best things I think they will ever remember and for that I am so grateful.

I think we all face or battle some type of fear/insecurity everyday and it can be a lot, I know I do. But never forget how strong YOU are. Keep on going & fighting.

If you have hung with me this long through the post, thank you XOXO. A lot of the people I know who read this have a deep love for Ronnie or may know him as Mr. Portmann. When something like this happens there are MANY questions and a lot we may never know, but I can tell you what Pastor Shaun told me the Tuesday I was sitting in his office planning out Ron's service. He looked straight at me and said there is no action that any of us do that will cause us to "lose" our salvation. I hope this brings you peace like it did me.

Love,

Lindsey