The Fifth Month Mark

Hello sweet friends!

 Happy Summer to everyone, I hope its going great for you so far and you are enjoying these longer sunny days. Taylor & Nicole have been enjoying every one, playing late into the night and snoozing late into the morning. On a recent Saturday morning both girls were still asleep at 10 AM, I could not believe it! For so many years as a parent with young kids, getting to sleep late just didn't happen. This is defiantly one of the perks of growing up!

Nicole is swimming so good without her floaties, both girls love hitting the pool with their friends. I also love getting to hang out with my neighbors, they are some of the best!

I wanted to write about a recent hurdle we made it through and share about Ronnie's graduation and teaching career. And I have another special guest writer who was sweet enough to join me!!

Some updates in my widow journey:

-I have become the bug killer in my house. This is not a job I care to have but its a job that has to get done (I feel this way about taking the trash cans out too!) We have an exterminator but this time of the year with kids running in and out of the house a lot, bugs want to get in...yuck. I sprayed one the other night thinking it would take him out. He kept on wiggling. Then I had to pull out my fly swatter and take him down. It was disgusting.

-I had my yearly exam with my doctor a few weeks ago, obviously I have had some life changes since then :-) They asked me to update my paperwork & this question came up:

It was one of those little things that made me sad. Ronnie was my go to contact, not just for emergencies, but in life. I could call that number listed and he was there for me. He would also listen to whatever I had to say. He was awesome at that. From politics, to work, to my love of The Memory Making Momma's blog, he always cared what I was talking about. I sure do miss that.

 So I changed the contact to my Dad, he is pretty great too XOXO

Although I did have that little hit, I also had some great news leaving my appointment, my blood pressure number looked great! When I came in last year, that was not the case. My doctor was pretty worried about how high it was. If you have ever loved someone with mental illness/addiction issues, you know its emotionally hard on your heart and can be physically too. I carried a lot of high anxiety and I am happy to say its gotten better. My doctor even gave me a big hug saying how proud she was of me!

Peace can be healing.

I seem to always go back and forth on talking about certain things, but its part of this journey & so many people who have lost someone they care about in anyway experience what many call "the year of firsts"

With a little bit of sarcasm and humor, obviously this Valentine's Day did not go down as one of my favorites. My birthday was 5 days after Ropo passed, I gladly opened the door and let 38 go welcoming 39. Easter looked a lot different with Coronavirus but my Mother's Day was very nice, a day filled with some many sweet messages and special things from my girls.

Then came Father's Day, my next hurdle.

I told my Mom one day that I never want to dread a day. I have a deep feeling on how precious life is & fight really hard to celebrate the good. When I say fight, its because when I know a hurdle is coming up I really try to be conscience of my thoughts and actions. If I am not on top of it or careful, the bitterness can grab a hold of me. If I don't fight back, it can take me down. I hope what I say next will not be taken the wrong way, or that you think I am not sympathetic towards someone that is sick, but I say it as a way to explain how complex my thoughts can be. And its me being a real Mom.

I learned through the last few years addiction is not logical.

What makes sense to me does not make sense to an addict. It is not how their mind works.

To me it can be as simple as, just don't do that. That is a terrible choice.

To an addict, they don't seem to work that way.

I have often been able to take a step back and see that but on the other side, I do not agree with or understand doing something that hurts your children.

Especially when you hurt my children.

And that is where the complexity comes in for me, if I am not on top of the Devil coming at me with that, it can get me. He knows where to hit. I often think that is why we are told at a young age about putting on the Armor of God. I think all of us fight something and we have to choose the good & happiness. Whatever that is for YOU, keep going for the good.

I decided to take the focus of Father's Day off Ronnie and on to the girls. I wanted it to be a special weekend for them, filled with new memories and lots of fun! And it was, we took a trip down to the Great Wolf Lodge in LaGrange, had some yummy BBQ with my Dad, took a trip to a pony farm & got to talk to Poppie for a little bit.

But also wanted to do something for their Daddy because he was a wonderful father and loved his girls so very much. The girls love him deeply & I know without a doubt, they were the loves of his life.

We planted this Magnolia Anne bush on the side of our house along with a little plaque for Ronnie. The quilt the girls are sitting on was made by his Mom, Omma got a collection of some of his favorite shirt like soccer tees, GA Bulldog tees and a Phish shirt, its awesome!

The girls made the heart hands all on their own.

I have always known Ronnie wanted to best for me and the girls, he wanted a great life for us and wrote me that at the end, he thought we were better off without him.

Part of me wants to take those words and burn them in the fiery lake never to exist again.

And the other part of me knows its the last thing I will ever have from him.

Deep breath.

Remember how I said earlier mental illness is not logical?

Ronnie's belief in my strength was stronger than my own.

He always told me I could do anything. I remember coming home one day after work upset, he put his arm around me, kissed me on the forehead & said "I know you got this, you can do it."

 And I do know I can handle a lot, life makes us.

Sink or swim.

He started that goal of a better life by going back to school.

When Ron and I first started dating he was working for one of the yummiest restaurants ever, Fancy Pantry while working an outpatient program called Insight. After graduating Shiloh High School in 2001 he headed south to Valdosta State University. I don't know much about this part of his life, he didn't like to talk about it, but I do know he was a bar tender who had a lot of fun. I also know he lost someone he loved very deeply that hit him pretty hard.

 I get that.

With some sobriety under his belt he seemed to know pretty quickly he wanted to teach. His Mom was a great teacher too, its in their blood :-)

Teachers are truly some of the best people.

He attended Perimeter College for 2 years while continuing to work then went to Kennesaw State University  to get his degree in middle grades math and social studies. School came pretty easy to him, I don't want to take away from the very long nights he spent studying and writing papers while working full time the next day. It is just he was a super smart guy. Especially with numbers, it was like breathing to him. 

One day I used my tip calculator app and he gave me like this "you just don't know that off the top of your head" look!

Often times people's reaction to middle school is not always the most positive! Why would you want to teach there? But it was something he knew in his heart, he would speak about his struggles starting in middle school. He could understand and be there for those kids, and he was.

This memory always makes me laugh, he was driving home one night after class talking to me on the phone and pulled into Arby's to get a late dinner. While driving, he took a bite of his potato cake, it was hard as a rock! He said it was still frozen! So he attempted to toss if out the window, well he missed and some how it came right back and nailed him in the face! I was cracking up!!!! He didn't think it was as funny as me.

During that time he smoked... he was a chimney. I would ride him about it! I would often tell him you need to keep your hand on the wheel and off those cigarettes and he would come back and sing Willie Nelson's Hand on the Wheel:

"Well its the same old song, it's right and it's wrong

And living is just something that I do

And with no place to hide, I looked in your eyes

And I found myself in you"

After 4 plus years in college and student teaching, Ronnie graduated with honors in December 2011. Our entire family was so very proud of him.

After graduation he scored his dream job at Haynes Bridge Middle School teaching 8th grade math. He did his student teaching there too with Special Education. It truly was his calling as well as his gift. He loved his school, staff and especially his kids so much. If you attended Ronnie's Celebration of Life Service you may remember Uncle Wally asking any former students of his to stand up. It was a moment I will never forget. I remember turning around telling myself, look at this, remember this. He touched so many. I even know there were students there he failed, I thought that said so much. They loved Mr. Portmann no matter what.

A few days after Ronnie passed I got an Instagram message from a young lady named Brooke who has become one of my sweetest friends. She was a student of Ronnie's and has shared with me MANY different ways he impacted her life. And its impacted mine. She has told me things I never knew. How he would talk about me and the girls, how much he loved us and all the pictures of us he would have in his room. She has brought me so many sweet smiles and I asked her if she would join me on this post. I figured the best way to talk about Ronnie as a teacher was right from one of his students.

Mr. Portmann taught me a great deal of lessons not only about math but life itself. Eighth grade was a very rough year for me. I was being bullied which led to depression and suicidal thoughts. I was moved into Mr. Portmann’s math class at the end of first semester my eighth grade year. I had always heard about how cool of a teacher he was & everyone wanted to be in on level just to have him. Every single day, I would walk in to 7th period and be greeted with an energy that was indescribable. His classroom felt like home. An escape from whatever else I was going through that day. An hour to relax & feel safe. I got in trouble pretty frequently because I would skip class and sit in the back of his room (LOL). I told him what I had been going through and he would constantly look out for me. I would frequently have panic attacks in class and instead of being ridiculed or called “over dramatic” like I was multiple times by others, he respected and validated my feelings. I would give him a one hand symbol & he knew I needed to go take a walk. Mr. Portmann trusted all his students. He cared. Most importantly, he loved us. He would come into class and tell us what his wife made for dinner, ask us how we all were, and then continue on with an engaging lesson. My nickname was “cookie” in class and eventually everyone started to call me that. Every class had inside jokes. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. If you didn’t know, middle schoolers can be pretty rude & like to mess around a bunch. Although, I never met someone who didn’t listen to Portmann. He had a way about him that was truly a gift. He could connect with kids from all different backgrounds & walks of life. No matter what your situation was, he could put a smile on your face. We kept in touch after I graduated middle school. I would go to Haynes to see him sometimes. He would always call and make sure I was on the right track in life. He would give me advice about college and career paths. After school when I would be freaking out about a math exam, he would take the time to go to a white board and explain it better than anyone could. He always encouraged me and saw true potential in me as a student when I didn’t see it in myself.  The irony of this whole situation is that I would have never known he had a bad day. He put all of his students before himself. I knew our lives affected him so deeply. Some days I just wish I could ask him “are you ok today?” instead of him asking me. I wish I could let him know to put himself first and how much we care about him. I wish he would scream “COOKIE STAY OUT OF TROUBLE” one more time down the hallway. When I was called on Valentine ’s Day this year by another lifeline for me, Mrs. Boglione, my heart sank. I immediately went to our texts and saw our last text conversation.

Mr. P: Do what you love girl, I could see u doing that, working with kids and asking the right questions 

Me: Thank you for always supporting me

Mr. P: You don’t need to thank me silly girl, I love you like a daughter :)

 

I know Mr. Portmann is teaching up in heaven. He was truly a blessing on this earth & his legacy will he carry on through his beautiful wife and children, family, students, and all others that he touched with his gracious soul.

Brooke is an incredible young lady who will be a senior this year at Centennial High School. The girls and I can't wait to see what this special year will hold for her and will be cheering her on ALL THE WAY!!! Thank you Brooke for being so special to me and my family XOXO

And one last thing I wanted to mention if you have not dozed off yet reading this long one!!

Ronnie was able to achieve his dream of teaching debt free through a scholarship funded by The Carl Stephen Wright Foundation. This foundation was set up in memory of one of our dearest family friends son Carl.

Nan, Lonnie & their entire family have been there for us from minute one. They truly understand what loss can feel like & they turned it into something good. They believed in Ronnie and gave him the means to achieve his dreams. Ronnie was able to take that and touch countless lives. His job was also a means for us to achieve our dream of owning a home and so much more.

I am forever grateful.

Love,

Lindsey