The Fourth Month Mark

Hello friends! I always appreciate the time you take to check in on us, all your sweet comments bring me so much encouragement!

 So, here we are at the 4 month mark, the girls and I are well. We wrapped up 1st grade a few weeks ago with big smiles. They love being on summer break! Our days seem to be filled with lots of friends, pool time, late night spend the night parties and ice cream cones. I continue to be amazed by the girls strength and kindness. They both have done so well this entire school year, learning new things, making new friends and continued on doing all this after Ronnie's passing. Their teachers have been so supportive. The girls are pretty incredible XOXO

As for me, I am doing well too. I have had a few unique & bittersweet moments along the way I wanted to share. I wanted to try to explain a little of how my head can sometimes work. I thought it may give someone reading this a feeling that they are not as weird or alone as sometimes it can feel.

 I also wanted to tell ya'll about the day Ronnie asked me to marry him with a special guest writer!

Many of you who know me, know I LOVE the show Outlander. I have been a fan for years, I watch all the episodes (when the girls are asleep, its for adult eyes only). I have t-shirts, an Outlander magazine, a Sassenach bumper sticker (thanks Katie B!) and a Highlander skirt! Ron knew this too, one day he texted me this picture:

Ha!! My love for Jamie runs deep!! Ronnie said it was my free pass :-)

Do you hear that Jamie Fraser?!?!

A few Sunday nights ago was the season finale titled Never My Love, it was a take on the beautiful song by The Association:

You ask me if there'll come a time

When I grow tired of you

Never My Love

Never My Love

You wonder if this heart of mine

Will lose its desire for you

Never My Love

Never My Love

Without giving away the entire episode, Claire experiences a very traumatic event, the way she pushed through it was letting her mind take her to a different place.

She envisioned Thanksgiving with all her family around the table celebrating.

Her husband Jamie comes behind her and wraps her in a blanket and they dance to Never My Love. It was her happy place.

Watching this, I thought to myself I do that a lot. If I start to get close to some of the scary/sad parts, I intentionally try to change my mind. Thinking of his last moments rips into my heart like nothing else. I tend to do that with my emotions too. If the sadness hits, I will try to switch my mind to things that made me angry.

For me, anger is easier than sadness.

This is probably not the best way to handle grief if any therapists are reading this!! But its a way for me to just keep moving. Sometimes its the most I can do.

So back to the episode, while eating dinner Claire notices her daughter and son-in-law not there. In the happiness, fear can always try to creep in.

She then gets a knock at the door and it was 2 police officers letting her know Bree and Roger did not make it.

The scene had her in a red dress and when I saw it, I kind of froze.

It was like I had been hit with a sniper shot.

 I was wearing a red dress February 13 very similar to Claire's. My face looked very similar to hers in this picture walking down the office hallway into a conference room. I had 2 officers tell me he didn't make it.

I had Chaplin Mike wrap his arms around me like a warm blanket.

I share this because its how grief can hit. Sitting in a comfy chair watching your favorite show sipping a Zaxby's sweet tea can instantly take you back.

But I have also found when it does hit me, I let it come and it goes away too.

I talk about it with my family and friends. Keep talking. Reach out to others, it helps.

Being a widow, I am learning unique experiences are always happening, here are a few :

-When Ronnie was cremated I was asked if I wanted to be in there when his body was turned into dust. My reaction looked a lot like this:

If you are wondering, I passed on that one! But thought to myself giving him a little push may have helped my anger issues, got to find some humor right?!

-I had to write a letter  to the IRS explaining why they overpaid me on the stimulus check. I did think about not saying anything (just being honest!!), but my financial advisor AKA Hdawg Kee advised against that one. He told me to write the check (and I did, don't worry!!) He also likes to tell me that when I complain about UGA ticket prices. Just write the check!

-Another unique situation for widow's is what do I do with my ring?

I wanted to share with ya'll what I decided but first how I got it.

 I asked my sweet Mom to join me on this post. I wanted her to share how my Hubby first asked for their blessing in our marriage XOXO

I knew from the moment I met Ronnie ( I’ve always called him Ronnie, it fit his personality & it kept us  from getting confused between him & his dad, Ron Sr) that there was something different, something special that set him apart from other guys that Lindsey had dated.  Ronnie had such an enduring,  welcoming personality, that we felt like we had known him all along! That first date to the Peach Bowl, the Gwinnett County connection, The UGA connection…all lead to this feeling that it was more than just a casual relationship.  All that said, it was STILL a surprise to us when we got a phone call one afternoon, mid-week from Ronnie saying he just happened to be in Columbus & asked if we were home, he wanted to “stop by”.   As most of you know, we live in Columbus, Ga, that makes us about 2 hours from Alpharetta &  I knew there was no such thing as being “in the neighborhood” or “dropping by”! 😊  Like most moms, I immediately went into the “worry mode” thinking something was surely wrong, and never once did it occur to me what he was going to ask!  After speaking to him on the phone & a couple of wrong turns, there he is at the front door ringing the bell.

I remember well, Garrett had just started @ Ga Southern , so it was just the two of us.  Harold had made porkchops and his semi-famous mac & cheese for dinner… we were about to sit down for dinner, so of course I set Ronnie a plate too! Ronnie later told me he was so nervous he was afraid to eat because he might throw up!  After some very casual but nervous small talk, he finally said the reason he was there was to ask us permission to ask Lindsey to marry him.  Talk about shock & relief… it was both for me!  Harold gave him the typical dad speech with his own, personal marital advice, and the most important words of wisdom…  always keep God in the center of your life~

Ronnie confided to us that at first,  he was going to call instead of driving down, but his dad advised that the right thing to do was to go in person.  That one statement spoke volumes about the integrity in how he was raised and family values!  After we gave him our blessings, he could finally relax enough to eat some dinner, and I had to ask him, how did you pull this off without Lindsey knowing?  At that time, Ronnie was going to Kennesaw State, taking night classes, so he said he actually skipped class that night to come down and…  he had to leave shortly to get back so Lindsey wouldn’t find out! I wouldn’t trade those memories , a very special time for our family!  The hard part for us was keeping mum until he found the perfect time to pop the big question…. I’m sure Lindsey will fill you in on that special night!

Love, Cathy

Mom & Ronnie are both October babies so we often celebrated their birthday's together!








Sunday afternoon, December 21st, 2008 Ronnie and I were living in a one bedroom apartment in Alpharetta, it was before kids and Coronavirus so we got to go out to eat a lot! Always so much fun! That afternoon he asked me if I wanted to go eat dinner down at Atlantic Station, I said of course!!

Atlantic Station was one of the first places we went to when we started dating, he had bought tickets to Cirque du Soleil. He was still driving his old blue Hyundai, the passenger door didn't work, I always had to climb in :-) But he showed up with roses and a People Magazine for that date (which I STILL have!). We ate some hot dogs and had a great time.  We also had a Valentine's Day dinner down there and got a huge plate of cheesecakes, I was in heaven!
 So for dinner we headed down to California Pizza Kitchen, we sat at the bar and watched the Falcons vs the Vikings. I noticed he kept checking his phone looking at the time. After we finished up our pizza it was about 15 til 7 PM and he asked me if I wanted to walk outside and look at the Christmas lights, you know I was all over that! It was pretty cold that night but lovely. They had beautiful big Christmas tree lit up. Here we are about 5 min until 7 PM:

Then right at 7 PM a snow machine started up, it was like walking thru a winter wonderland!

Turns out Ronnie had known they turned the snow on at 7, he did a little research.

We walked over to a bench and what he said after that I HAVE NO IDEA!!!!

All I remember was him getting down on his knee, saying how much he loved me and a beautiful ring!!!!! I think I was soo excited I couldn't process everything but I did say YES!!

A sweet couple took this picture when they saw what was happening. It was truly one of the best moments of my life. We were both grinning ear to ear. The man I loved so very much wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, I couldn't believe it!! A dream come true XOXO

We got home that night and were on the phone with all our family, it was so exciting telling everyone. I remember we stayed up late that night just talking and imagining what our wedding would be like, when we would do it, etc. It was a very special time & one I will never forget. We were married August 1, 2009 & I wore both the engagement and wedding bands since then (except when my entire being swelled up in pregnancy!!).

I had started thinking about my rings and what I wanted to do a few weeks ago but have not talked to anyone about it. I knew there were many options of what others had done and I thought it was something I needed to feel totally confident in by myself.

But it has truly been a bittersweet decision for me.

On one hand (get it?!) how in the world could I ever choose to change one of the most beautiful and meaningful gifts Ronnie ever gave me. He spent months making taco's late at night and going to school the next day to afford the rings. He worked so hard for it. The diamond had been given to him by his father, it was in The Portmann family. It has been with me for so many experiences with him.

On the other hand, I didn't want it to just sit in a box.

I had thought it would just go to my girls when they took it off my cold, lifeless hand.

Not my 39 year old warm blooded one.

But the reality is here I am now and I knew I wanted to find a way to carry forward with it so I met with my very sweet jeweler who knew the situation and handled it so gracefully with me. After talking about some options I handed him my ring and drove off. You can probably guess the gulp in my throat hit pretty hard.

That night I talked to my sweet friend who has walked a similar journey about how I was feeling. It helps me to hear how others have handled these situations. I think it helps all of us, no matter what kind of situation we are dealing with to just talk & have people listen. I always remain grateful for all of you who do that for me XOXO

About a week later the diamond was ready, I took the girls with me and explained to them what I was picking up. We opened it up together and were all 3 so excited! It shined so bright!! Coco said it was "so shiny like the Moana song!" It turned out beautiful and its a way to keep something I will forever treasure close to my heart, just in a little different way. In this picture you may also notice my ring tattoo, Ronnie and I got these when we came back from our honeymoon. My rings use to cover it and in a way now, has become more symbolic.

Carrying on with a beautiful & special diamond close to my heart now in halo necklace from my Angel XOXO

Love,

Lindsey