The 10th Month Mark

 

HO! HO! HO!

Happy Holidays sweet friends & family!

Thank you for checking in with us at the 10th month mark, especially this super busy time of the year. I know sometimes just finding a few moments to yourself is valuable, I appreicate you spending a few of them with us.

So lets dive in!

So it is proably no surprise the most frequent question I get these days is how are we handling the holidays?

Since its only December 13 when this blog goes live I can't say how Christmas will be, but so far we have been doing good. I feel some anxiety thinking about Christmas Eve night without him but we were blessed to celebrate Thanksgiving twice this year (my waist line shows it!!). My cousin Mindy hosted a delighful Thanksgiving lunch with my Mom's side of the family and my Uncle David and Aunt Karen had us over Thanksgiving Day for turkey Bulldog style in Athens. Both meals were delicious (except for the pecan pie I bombed on!! It was all runny...I called it a 2020 pie) but being around our family was THE BEST. It makes me so happy XOXO

While I was eating some apple pie with my incredible Aunt Judy and also fellow widower (my Uncle Glenn passed away in February too...not the best week in my family obviously). Sweet Kim was walking around Mindy's house looking for her Hubby.

 She said out load "I've lost my husband!"

I looked at Aunt Judy and said "So did we!!!"

She started laughing so hard!!!

You HAVE to find some humor in this to keep going.

Since Thanksgiving Day we have been on a roll with our Christmas traditions like seeing Santa, Christmas movie nights, driving out to see The Lights of Life and enjoying some yummy treats from The Marietta Diner. I am also hosting the dessert portion of my neighborhood Progressive Dinner! This was also all the stuff we did with Ronnie too.

 I will have a few moments like seeing the lights where I will think to myself, "I sure do miss you Ronnie, I want you here with us", but I have been able so far to keep going forward. 

With that being said and the risk of you thinking I have gone nuts, 2 things happened this Christmas season, and I feel as though they are Ronnie.

First one, I was sitting at my computer working and the girls were sitting on the couch looking at their IPads, even our friend Kinley was here. But no one had been moving. Then all the sudden an ornamanet fell off the tree and shattered. But no one had walked by it and we have no pets to knock ornaments over. When I walked over to see which one it was it kind of took me back:

See what I mean?! One of our precious Just Married ornaments we got at our wedding shower. Then to top that, Taylor's IPad has a big crack in it, it use to be Ronnie's. It has been acting all crazy ghostwriting. That is when the IPad seems to move on its on, something with the layering when you have cracks.

 Anyway, I was working at my computer again the not touching it, all the sudden it started turning on, like it enered the password while no one (at least alive!!) was touchiung it. Then it went to photos and starting playing all pics of just Ronnie.

I said outloud "Pickles is that you?!"

There have been other moments like this my Mother in Law share with each other, maybe that will be another blog post?!
We have even had some awesome moments of great strength!

Hauling in our Christmas Tree was one of those shining moments for us 3.

It was a moment of using our strength and will to do it on our own, and we did it!

Yes it is still standing!

A few days ago in my personal life I realized some things that really hurt my heart.

 I noticed though the way I handled it changed a good bit from the way I used to handle things before experienceing this type of deep grief.

I use to let my hurt feelings be in someone else's hands or actions.

 But I think now, probably with age too, I am in more control of how I feel and how I can make it better.

So if something hurts me, it is up to me to make it better.

We all have that power within us.

And you are too valuable to give it to someone else, especially someone who is careless with it.

I thought to myself, maybe there is some good stuff that comes out of this greif.

I do believe none of this will be wasted.

That somehow everything the girls and I have felt will carry us into something more incredible.

I have mentioned this before, but I can see in myself that I use to be afraid for people to know how I felt about them. Maybe it is the fear of rejection? Could they not handle my truth?

For so many years some of the actions Ronnie did under the influnce broke me.

But I did not say it.

I was afraid of his reaction. Would it make him more depressed? Would he leave?

If I say what I feel, can he handle it? And I kept it inside.

Until close to the end when it exploded out.

I carry so many feelings about that now, how I think I should have done this or that.

But I also know I can't change anything.

I do know I want people to know how I feel about them.

I say I love you way more frequent then I ever did before.

And I am not ashamed of it.

The way my thoughts are now, I would rather tell someone how much I care and then they can do with it what they want. 

But at least though know.

Along with expereincing this type of grief I feel like my fear factor has gone down BIG time.

Like, I use to fear what if someone leaves me?

What if I loose this income? 

What if I am alone?

What if I am single?

What if it hurts?

Then when the things you fear DO happen and you SURVIVE them, the fear is defeated.

It does not mean I don't take hits, because I sure do, everyone does.

And it doesn't mean I don't get hurt and wrestle with self doubt.

But it has changed into my knowledge that whatever happens, God has got me. I have 10 months worth of pretty incredible strength that keeps growing.

And even if none of the things you fear ever do happen, it does not change that God has you too XOXO 

It is Christmas time, the time to tell people how you feel (do I have any Love Actually fans out there?!?!) XOXO

For this month's blog entry I wanted to share the friendship side of Ronnie and I asked his best friend and one of mine too now, Dale to share a memory that was special for him of Ron.

Dale and Ronnie met at Haynes Bridge Middle School, both guys are excellent teachers. Dale will give you a little more on that here!!

After I accepted the job at Haynes Bridge Middle School in 2015, I was told that I would beworking with a teacher by the name of Ron Portmann. So, I searched Ron Portmann in Facebook and itdid not take long to see that he was a big UGA fan. Ron had a picture posted of his classroom which wasdecked in Dawg gear. 

 I am thinking this guy is going to hate me when he finds out that I’m a South Carolina fan, especially after SC had just beat GA the previous season. Nevertheless, I messaged him on FB to introduce myself as his new co-teacher.  His reply was something like this,& I quote "Yes, I am THE Ron Portmann." 

 So, my immediate impression was, I’m going to be working with a conceited, obnoxious UGA fan. Needless to say, this could not have been further from the truth. 

Ron was a remarkable teacher. He had a way of connecting with ALL of his students. They loved him too.

 I was more of the disciplinarian, so I wasn’t feeling too much love.  We co-taught 3 classes together and the 8th graders that year were particularly challenging. Because of this, we spent a lot of

time planning after school.  I had already taught 19 years and this was Ron’s 6 th year teaching.

 Even so, I learned just as much as the students, not only about math strategies, but temperament. Although we had different teaching styles, we worked really well as a team.

Over Spring break I invited Ron to go gambling at the casino in Cherokee, NC. Ron said, and I quote "I need

to see what Lindsey has planned for us."

 I was surprised when he said he could go.  Ron had never been

to a casino. It was a Wednesday morning, so it was not too crowded. I was teaching him Blackjack strategy until I realized he was doubling down and I was out of chips. When I told him that I was going to get

more money at the atm, Ron picked up 2 stacks of chips and handed them to me.

 This got us kicked off the table. Ron didn’t know he wasn’t allowed to pass, or share, money while sitting at a gaming table. I

tried to explain that this was Ron’s first time, he did not know any better. The dealer wasn’t having it.

The other players were looking at us with an evil eye so we bowed out as gracefully as possible at that point.

I could tell Ron’s adrenaline was racing from his winnings because he had just turned $20 into $240. We soon parked at a table to play 3 Card Stud. The dealer was a nice guy and coached us because

no one else was playing, and he knew we had no clue how to play. Ron won $350 in his first 2 hands.

I’m advising him not to bet so high every time. Within 20 minutes, we only had $40.  I pried him away and we spent the next 30 minutes playing the nickel slots while pondering the validity of the phrase,

Easy come, easy go. For the next 45 minutes, we found a $5 Blackjack table and decided we would either double the $40 and go home, or, lose it, and have no other choice but to go home. I was hoping

Ron’s beginners luck streak would continue so we would at least break even. We left the casino with $10 to buy gas on the way home.

There is something to be said about road trips. You are trapped in a car, nowhere to escape, so, we ended up having some good conversation and created a bond, a friendship. Neither one of us had brothers growing up. I would have wanted my relationship with a brother to be as close as I was with Ron. He was my co-teacher, business partner and my best friend, which I used to think it sounded silly

being a grown man proclaiming his “best friend”.

 But feeling silly is a lot better that what I feel now.

Ron's presence is so strong sometimes, I forget he is actually gone. Then, other times, when I am pressure washing, or using one of his math strategies with my students, I miss Ron terribly. Thank u for letting me

share a memory.

Ronnie was a great and warm hearted person, he was liked by so many people. When Dale and I first met, we were not that close but towards the final years of Ron's life, our love for him connected us. Dale was a friend like no other to Ron. He stood by him and did everything to help him he could until the very last day he was alive. Dale and I have a mutual understanding of what we both went through. Some of it was pretty dark and scary. Having people who get that is so valuable. Since Ronnie's passing Dale has stepped in whenever I have needed him. He has come over to pressure wash and help me with the garage clean up.

And he always makes me laugh!!

He will send me a pic of a crazy taco drive through he is at or tell me how he risked life and limb climbing a ladder! 

Dale also will just call to check on me and the girls. I don't think he will mind me saying this, but I think it can be a lot for him sometimes. Coming to our house for example can bring on a flood of emotions for him because it connects him to Ron. But he still does it cause he is just a good guy with a giving heart. I know without a doubt Ron is thankful to him for all he does for  "his girls."

Christmas time has so many meanings and is special for many reasons. One of those are the Christmas memories we make with our families. My hope is one day the girls will read this and know just how much their Daddy loved them.

I thought I would share just a few of our family Christmas memories through the years XOXO

Every November I take the girls to ride Macy's Pink Pig (except 2020, Corona took the pig out!). Some years it was just us and some years our extended family went with us. Here is 2014 with Avery and Ryder!!

Every Decemeber our church Johns Creek Baptist puts on the most beautiful Christmas show ever. It is a must see and will be a blessing to you and your family! They do a Saturday and Sunday show. From the ballet dancers to the GA Tech drumline playing Little Drummer Boy, it is a highlight of the Christmas season. When Taylor was 3 months old she even played Baby Jesus while we were Joseph and Mary. Ronnie looked perfect for that role don't you think?!

This was at JCBC in 2015, we did have to make an early exit and it was NOT because of our youngest daughter either! I am looking at you Taylor Portmann!!

Another Portmann Family tradition is riding The Blue Ridge Railroad to see Santa, Frosty and The Grinch!! This is a fabulous experience with yummy snacks and great picture opputunities. Plus riding through downtown Blue Ridge is so beautiful. The beautful dresses in this picture were made by my sweet boss Barbara.

Of course I know this is a popular for so many, reading the Night Before Christmas on Christmas Eve. Ronnie ALWAYS did the best voices ya'll!!

My favorite was when he would be Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter!!!

The weekend after Thanksgiving we would take the girls to Lights of Life at Life University in Marietta and eat dinner at the Marietta Diner. I can't recommend this one enough, its close and not to expensive! You can park and walk around too. They have a petting zoo, funnel cakes and a littel train. Look at Daddy and Taylor sledding!

Seeing Santa every year was always a highlight for me! We have also seen this Santa at North Point Mall (except this year...Covid again). We would get our Santa pic, ride the mall train then go each lunch at the food court! Taylor always picks Chick Fil A, I usully get pizza and Ron would get a gyro or Chinese and we would all share. Then of course a spin on the merry go round!

Another hightlight is what our family calls Portmas!

Omma termed it back when Amy was working her different nursing schedule, sometimes she would have to work on the holidays. So we just celebrated on a differnt day!

This was the year we wore our Christmas jammies!!

It is always one of my favorite meals, Poppie prepares a delicious meat, Ommas does tradtional sides like green bean casserole and brown rice. Always a salad and sweet tea to drink. And when you talk about gift giving, my mother in law SHINES!

Each of us has our own wrapping paper pattern and everything is equal. We open youngest to oldest, it is so much fun!! Her Christmas home is beautiful too. Gold reindeer, kid ornaments and paper snowlakes in the kitchen like from Elf XOXO

Every December 1st I would prepare our Elf on the Shelf breakfast or breakfast for dinner and Ronnie would read the book outload about Elfie. We did do that this year but I was not quite ready to read the book myself yet. Not sure if I can do it Christmas Eve night either.

But that is okay.

Some things I am not ready for.

Always do what YOU are comfortable with and when YOU are ready.

One of our favourite date nights was my annual Christmas Party. Through 14 years of our changing economy my company has never slacked on treating their emploeeys with a faboulos end of the year celebration. The last few years it was at The Hotel Avalon. I am talking drinks, dellious buffetts, dessert tables, DJ's, poker tables and photo booths!

My inlaws always keep the girls for us that night and we love every second. Some nights we would even go to Waffle House after midnight then come home and watch Christmas with The Kranks!! 

I would always buy a new dress and Ronnie didn't want to see it until that night. No matter what I was wearing that year, I would walk out of our room and he would tell me I had never looked more beautiful.

I think this was 2 years ago now, but ya'll we were getting our picture taken at the party and the sweetest young girl asked me "when I was due?"

Ya'll, if you could have only seen the fire daggers that came out of his eyes!!!

I was totally fine, although I was not preggers I still had my baby weight. I looked like I could be, but I had just been enjoying the buffet :-)

Ron the other hand, my goodness he went off!!!

This year with Covid there was no Christmas Party, part of me missed it and part of me was ok with it, one less thing I have to "go thru."

Did you know I still have a pic of our first Christmas Party in my wallet?!

Ronnie didn't have the beard, just a chin strap!

I could probably go on with a couple more blogs full of Christmas memories, I have so many amazing ones with Ron and my girls.

They will forever be treasured memories for me in my life.

As we also all approach the end of 2020...finally, right?!

I huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the love and prayers you continue to give to us.

I hope your Christmas season is filled with much joy, hope and sparkle.

A special shout out to all those who find this season a little harder, you are not alone. 

Keep going.

My girls are the greatest gifts I have ever gotten. They are the angels on my tree and hope to make this Christmas so special for them.

I hope it is special for you too.

Love,

Lindsey

The 9th Month Mark

Hello Friends and Family & Happy November!

Notice it is also Friday the 13th when this blog goes live...EEK!! But at this point, I am kind of like what is a Friday the 13th going to through at us that 2020 hasn't already?! It takes a little more to scare me these days :-)

It is raining tonight as I am writing this blog, the weather here in GA has actually been pretty warm. All the leaves on the trees are changing and beginning to fall. Driving around my neighborhood, I love seeing all the leaves on the ground, I know next season they will be gone and the trees will be bare so I try to really pay attention and soak it in now. So a little bit about what the Portmann Girls have been up to since my last post.

We got through some pretty big hurdles which I am really proud of us for. The start of October I attended my first UGA game without Ronnie. It was different anyway with all the covid stuff, but it had been over a decade since I had been to a game without him next to me cheering on the Dawgs. Very mixed feelings but I went and actually had a great time! One of my best friends Janet was there with us the entire time. She was on one side of me and Dad was on the other, so I was in pretty good company. We ended up dancing, cheering loud and being so excited to come out with a win over Auburn...that will help anything!!

       Our next milestone or hurdle or thing to get through (depending on my mood there is no telling what I will call it!!) was Ronnie's birthday. I obviously knew it was coming so it gave me some time to think about how I wanted to do it. Ronnie would have been 38 on October 22, so the girls and I took off school and work and spent the day celebrating him, doing things he loved. We first went to the creek where he would often take the girls to play (and give me some alone time!). We read some sweet cards Omma wrote and other messages so many of YOU all sent us that day, encouraging us. We released some birthday balloons into heaven for him. After that we headed to lunch at one of his favorite spots and I enjoyed an adult beverage...much needed right?! We did a couple of other small things and a beautiful arrangement of yellow flowers arrived. Yellow is my favorite :-) At the end of the day I felt really good about how it went. We chose to celebrate all the great things about Daddy, and there is so much we love about him it came very easy XOXO

After that came Halloween, my family came up to celebrate with us and it was my Mom's birthday so that made it extra special! Taylor dressed up as a black cat, Coco was Belle and I was a Maiden, going with what 2020 gave me it was either that or a black widow :-) Now if I looked like Scarlett Johansson that would have been an awesome costume!

And then the Sunday after Halloween hit and ya'll it was like I hit some kind of wall of disappointment, grief and a broken heart all in one! As the months have gone on I notice my patience with life seems to start fading some by Sunday night after the work week. Maybe it is just being worn out or feeling like I just need a little break but the complexity of this entire thing is that in the same sentence I write I just need a break, I also can feel totally opposite and be like no way, keeping busy is the best thing for me right now! Its been a huge part of my healing.

 It is the same thing about single parenting. If you watched my Instastories this week I talked about my "parenting on an empty gas tank" feeling. Kids are incredible, but lets be honest, they need a lot too. And sometimes I think having that adult partner helps keep your own gas tank up to be able to give and keep giving. Then in the exact same thought, I am often grateful for the peace I have now in my home. Please don't read me wrong, Ronnie was an incredible father and missed more then you can imagine, but there is a very hard side to mental illness too. Seeing ambulances and police officers is hard stuff for adults and kids. Being a single parent I have control over that now. I have the ability not to ever let that in my home again. I can keep it out and will fight hard to always do that.

It was like all these mixed emotions, I have started calling them suicide side effects. And there is one big one that I often wrestle with. And I know the enemy knows where to hit me, like a weak spot.

The complexity comes for me when I get stuck in this. I know and have seen how deep mental illness, depression, anxiety and addiction can be. We are talking about a powerful chemical imbalance, I believe. I know and understand it is not logical. But there is also another side, and if I am being real, having someone you love leave you in any way can take a hit at your self confidence.

I never want to be a wet blanket, I only want to share my experiences hoping it may let someone else know they are not alone in some of the harder feelings that can come up. I have often wondered if I will find someone one day who won't leave. 

 I can think "my own husband didn't want to stay, why would anyone else?"

 And then I am shown I already have that, its God. 

Talking to my Mom the other day on the phone I said without a doubt I can truly say this, everyday since 2/13 God has shown Himself to me. He does it in little God Hugs, here is what I mean.

 Last week I got a letter from the funeral home that cremated Ronnie, they are so sweet and made a Christmas ornament for us. Well, there I am standing on my street reading this sweet letter feeling the gulp in my throat come up and a neighbor who I have never talked to before walked by, introduced herself to me and said she has been praying for us. She had heard what happened. She said you and your home are beautiful. That little sentence was bigger to me then she will ever know. She told me of her granddaughter going through a divorce right now and how alone she felt. I told her, widowhood and divorce have a lot in common, if she ever needed someone to talk to, I would love to be there and gave her my number.

 Or my friend JRae calling me, not knowing that I was upset at that very moment, but just saying all the right things I needed to hear. It's not coincidence, I know that.

In this journey of grief and healing my heart I have experienced a season of feeling that there is no real danger. It is not to say I don't worry, cause I sure do! Going from 2 incomes to 1 can make any parent worry, lets be honest. Wondering how this experience will shape my girls thoughts of themselves, there worth and men can take me to a dark space. But the feeling of never knowing when something bad is about to happen has faded away. And I know He is good and will never leave us empty handed. I think we should all expect great things.

So I guess my point in all that was, even in the darkness, whatever you are feeling, keep looking for the light. Its right there, maybe not in the form you think it should be, but you will find it and it can bless you in another form. Greif is truly an up an down road so many of us know too well. Keep getting up XOXO

So if that wasn't totally depressing and I didn't put out the fire of your feel good mood, I wanted to share some memories of the girls last time out with Ronnie, all the pictures came from him XOXO

Every February since 2013 Ronnie first took Taylor and than added Nicole to Chick Fil A's Daddy Daughter Date Night. I remember their first one, when Baby Taylor was 5 months old and he put her in the CFA Cow's lap for a picture with her crown on, and she barfed up vanilla ice cream all over the cow...MOO!!!!

Here are my loves at dinner! I had strict instructions that night to do whatever I wanted, and Ron had strict instructions that night to take as many pictures as he could!

Ronnie said CFA would put questionnaires on the table to fill out while dinner was being served, questions like what was your favorite something they could ask each other. Get to know each other more.

After dinner the girls got some make up glitter put on by Sweet and Sassy! And their annual picture with the cow!

Since it was only an hour, Ronnie would take the girls somewhere special before or after the dinner. One year they went to Dave and Busters, another year they went to Target for a special toy. This year Ronnie did his best and biggest surprise yet for them, a trip to The American Girl Store!! Meet the 2 Chloe Portmann's :-)

Surfing at the American Girls store!!

Hopefully this will give you a chuckle cause it did me!! See that foot/ankle boot Ronnie is sporting?! Let me tell you how that happened, or better yet let me show you who did it...

Meet Buddy the Chihuahua!!

Now if you have known me for a while you may remember I had a chihuahua named Gizmo Garrett Kee (full name for full effect, he just went by The Giz!), it is safe to say he and Ronnie did not get along. Ron was not fan of small dogs! One time Ropo put his taco on the table and Gizmo snatched it, just like the Taco Bell dog!! I laughed, Ron got so mad he had to take a walk outside. He recovered fine :-)

So it cracked me up when I found out that while Ron was walking up the stairs at Dale's house, I think they were changing a light or something over the stairs, instead of stepping on Buddy, Ron ended up tripping over the dog and busted his foot up!!!! He also got a big cut in his forehead if you can see from the pictures, Buddy really got him!

Stories like Buddy vs Ronnie always make me laugh, and Ron would start laughing when I would, we shared so many of those laughs, I sure do miss that. He would say little stuff or make a face that he knew would crack me up, he was a really funny guy.

This picture will always be one of our most precious ones, it was taken a few days before Ronnie passed. As he always did, I got the girls dressed up so pretty and he knocked on the front door with flowers and balloons. He had the car waiting out front and opened the door for each of them.

I mentioned earlier I can worry about how the loss of their Dad will effect the girls and that is something time will tell. My hope is they will read these blog entry's one day and know without a doubt how very much he loved and adored them.

They were his princesses and that will never change.

A piece of him is in them forever and his big kind heart shines in them.

I heard this song the other morning while getting ready, it is called You Already Know by JJ Heller, I really loved her lyrics so I would like to close out with them here:

I can't seem to find the easy answers

Someday, I hope the suffering makes sense

I just need to know that you are with me

Even if you keep me in suspense

We talk so much these days

Because I have so much to say

You stay and listen to me closely even though

You already know

You already know

Everything I'm scared of

Everything I hope

You hold my tomorrow

And all tomorrow holds

You already know

Love,

Lindsey

 

The 8th Month Mark

Hello sweet friends and Happy October!

I hope the new fall season has been going well for you, we have really been enjoying it!

 The girls and I have been doing some fun fall activities like football games, picking out some pumpkins, eating apple cinnamon bread and decorating our house for Halloween!

BOO!!!

We have a lot of fun this time of year, and this weather, could it be better?!

 Most every morning after dropping the girls off at school I drive back home and see the most beautiful sunrise over Sawnee Mountain, all the orange and pink colors light up a new day.

Since the last blog the girls have gotten older!!

Taylor turned 8 and Nicole turned 5, their birthday party was wonderful!!

It was filled with friends, family and a unicorn.

Look at my beautiful second grader:

I had actually forgotten it was school picture day until she came home and told me it was school picture day, but I think her shirt came out pretty fabulous, just like her!

For this 8th month update I wanted to share with you a book that has touched me so deep and one of my favorite memories with Ronnie, our honeymoon in Jamaica!

If you follow me on social media you have probably heard me mention my incredible neighbors multiple times, they are absolutely the best and have been there for me and the girls everyday. 

One of my best friends and neighbors mentioned a group to me a few months ago his aunt was involved in called Never Alone Widows and I am so blessed he did because it has been wonderful! Its a group of women who are around the same age as me and also have young children. They even have smaller groups, for example there are military widows and I am in the suicide widows group.

It feels kind of weird to write that, but I have discovered there are more people in my boat.

It is a group where we can pretty much say anything good or bad and its safe.

It has truly been a blessing to know I am not alone in this journey. One of the sweet girls recommended the book, Fear Gone Wild by Kayla Stoecklein.

If I am being honest thru these 8 months I have had a few books recommended to me or articles,  yet I have not really had the heart to read them. But this one ya'll...has touched me so deep. All the words Kayla says about her beloved Andrew I want to yell out, "Me too!!" or "I get it!!! Ronnie did the same thing!!"

She touches on spiritual warfare, a widows anger, and being in a position of raising young kids by yourself when you never thought you would be.

The things she writes about what her Andrew went through, the visions, the depression, the praying to God to please take this pain away, and walking through the wilderness.

 It is all things Ronnie went through.

Andrew was a pastor, Ronnie was a teacher of the year, Robin Williams was a brilliant comedian, and Chris Cornell was a multi millionaire with one of the best voices ever.

 Yet this knows no boundaries. It is a wildfire out of control that once lit, can destroy anyone no matter who they are.

And Chris, Robin, Ronnie and Andrew both has the same result, death by suicide.

I can't recommend this book enough if you are dealing with the feelings of loss or grief or you need some encouragement and hope. 

I also wanted to open up about what happened last Friday and may use some of Kayla's words to help get through it. 

As many of you know, Ronnie passed away a few weeks before Covid hit,

 nice one 2020.

 It changed the world for everyone. When it happened I was told by the medical examiner it would cause some delays in Ronnie's toxicology results. So as the months have gone by I would check in with a very nice lady named Lynn who did Ron's exam and she would say the results were not back yet, but when they did come in she would have them sent to me.

You may be thinking, "Lindsey why the heck would you want to see this?!"

For me, some of it was curiosity and some of it was I wanted somewhere to put this anger that can build up.

 In my thinking, if I knew he was on some kind of substance I could take all my anger out on that. The drugs made him do it!

I could pull out some Jamie Foxx and blame it on the alcohol, that would explain it all!!

But in my heart, deep down, I already knew what the answer was. And it was confirmed when that paperwork arrived.

Taylor had just got home from school and I went out to get the mail, I came back in and sat down to read it and could feel the sharp sting in my chest.

You know that Eminem lyric "and right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe"

That pretty much describes how it felt physically as I read through these 2 sheets of paper.

2 sheets of paper that seemed to rip my heart into 2 pieces.

They were detailed about the end and put a huge spotlight on our serious mental illness is.

The brain is such a powerful thing, I have often said to my Mom when we are having conversations and we are trying to understand something we can't get, it's not logical, it is mental illness.

Some choices that are made are not under any type of substances, they are just made from a brain that is very sick.

The report had almost a map like drawing of my beloved's body. 

Each tattoo was documented and it was like a trip down memory lane. Ronnie had gotten all his tattoos before I met him, the only one get got with me was our wedding bands. 

I remember when we went on our first family vacation how nervous he was of what my family would think of his tattoos.

Of course no one cared and it was just a part of him. But it took me back to the many times I would see them when he was getting dressed for work or getting out of the shower. When he slept on his side how one would peek over. I thought they were beautiful just like the body they were on. 

This map was my sweet Pickles, it was a body that had arms that held me so many nights, strong legs that did so much around our house from fixing things to hanging decorations for me. The hand that still had his wedding band on at the very end and the hands that held mine and the girls.

I put the papers down and the tears came rolling out.

I didn't want Taylor to see me so I hid in the bathroom and called Ronnie's BFF Dale, who is now one of my BFF's. He listened and felt it with me as he always does.

Dale and I have gone through so much, he was a friend to Ronnie like no other. I can't tell you how many nights he would drive around looking for him, how he let him stay at his home, how he supported me. And I know he hurts too. But he still comes over and makes me laugh, we talk politics, he picks up whenever I call and he helps me around the house when I need it. He is one of the best!

 After that I talked to Mom and Dad, like they always do, they just let me get it all out and then take a deep breath.

And that is when I knew what to do next, let it out, take a deep breath and keep going.

8 months of the grief I am learning a few things :-)

Some of my favorite words Kayla ended her book with:

"Today, on day 619, I can honestly say I've stopped dreading my days-I've started living them. I've stopped seeing my days as one long road leading me to Andrew, and instead, I've chosen to embrace, to wake up, to grab hold of this one life and live it. During the first year there were reminders  of Andrew everywhere, strings tided to him, and with every move I became tangled up in them. But now as I look around my house, the tangled web of grief has slowly withered away and I find myself sitting in this new life I have made. Every choice, every step, ever brave yes that first year has led me here.

The black and white world of grief has slowly faded away, and I am starting to see color again. And because I have tasted death, the colors are even more vibrant and beautiful than before. I have had some ugly, horrific moments. But I have also had wonderful, beautiful, breathtaking moments. Loss has opened my eyes to see everything differently.

I don't want to miss a thing. Life even after a loss is worth living, worth fighting for and worth rebuilding over and over again. 

Keep going.

Keep catching the magical moments. We are in this together.

You are not alone."

The early morning of August 2, 2009 Ronnie and I took a flight down to Jamaica at the Sandals Resort for a few days, when I say it was my favorite trip ever, I truly mean it!!!

I remember that morning when we were packing up from our hotel room to head down to the airport I was standing on the hotel bathroom taking down my wedding hair. There were some many bobby pins!! And Ronnie stood right in there with me and helped me take them out.

The week of our honeymoon was filled with sunshine, clear water, a butler and some of the most yummy food!!!

 We slept in late, enjoyed meals by the water and danced to Bob Marley while the sunset. It was like heaven!

Sweet kisses after breakfast, Ronnie loved the breakfast bar! He would always get some salmon and fresh fruit, he loved the mangos!

We would spend the afternoon reading books on the beach. See that girls on the right walking, she was ALL about topless sunbathing!!

Ronnie said he didn't notice, he just had eyes for me....YEAH RIGHT!!!!

This was the night that had a chocolate bar on the patio with a live band!

You know I was all about that!! Eating some delicious sweets then dancing the night away, we loved to dance together! Slow or fast, we loved to bust a move!

Although Ron's mind was pretty complex, he was also pretty simple too.

 He didn't need much in regards to material things to make him happy.

 Just put him on a beach with a cigar, anything about the Bulldogs and me, he was in his happy place.

I picture different things about heaven, what its like sometimes.

Maybe there is a warm beach like this where he can jam out to some Phish or Bob Marley.

 I know he has a peace now like he never had before and I know I have more peace in my home. There is no more raging wildfire. 

Isaiah tells us that our name speaks to the hope that God gives to those in the ashes.

God gives beauty where destruction and hopelessness once resided.

"Beauty from the ashes."

Maybe there is beauty from the ashes of this wildfire.

If fear has gone wild in your life, know you are not alone either.

 I get it and I am here if you ever need to let it out XOXO

Love,

Lindsey

The 7th Month Mark

Happy September sweet friends!

Are you as excited as I am for this new month and a fresh start?!

I get so excited with all things fall (even though its still blazing hot here in GA!). The fall colors and smells make me smile. I love putting up all my fall décor around the house. I was talking to my friend Janet the other day about how this year decorating seemed to have a deeper meaning to me. It may sound silly, but I told her it feels like this year there has been so much that has happened out of my control, creating a beautiful and safe feeling home for the girls and myself is something I can control. I have the power to make our home now a safe haven from the outside, its not scary inside, but feels comforting. I hope the girls feel that way too.

I am really looking forward to cooler fall evenings.
Anyone want to come over and I will fix some apple cider one night?!

And along with all things fall, both my precious girls are September babies! So we have a lot to celebrate this time of year and that is a wonderful memory I wanted to share with all ya'll, Nicole's birth!

Look at that dark hair in the picture above, just like her Daddy!

This month is also suicide awareness month...buzz

kill right?!

But thinking about what I wanted to share in this blog I thought back to something I had said after Ronnie first passed, I wanted something positive and helpful to come out of this. My heart wants to share some helpful things that I learned loving someone who struggles with mental health and addiction. I have found they go hand and hand.

To start off I want to be clear in saying I am by no means an expert or professional, this is just my experience. And to top that, if you have been following our story you know the outcome, so what the heck do I know about any of this?!

All I do know is there are so many of us who know someone, love someone, parent someone or is someone with these struggles.

So many friends have told me or wrote me, they get it.

 They lost a son, their daughter is struggling, their spouse has broken their heart with their lies. It is a lot, but I think talking about can help, especially with people who have walked thru it.

And another thing I want to say and make very clear, mental illness and addiction was a small part of Ron's story. He struggled deeply, but it doesn't overshadow all the other things that made him so awesome. He had the biggest heart of any man that I have known. He loved deeply, he was funny, his eyes could be so bright and big. He was very smart too.

Heck, he asked me to marry him, right...wink, wink :-)

He learned to fix things when needed, he was an awesome griller, and lover of music. There was a carefree part of him, he was not afraid to jump in. So many times he kept getting up and getting back up again, pushing through.

He was also the best friend to our girls, they absolutely adored him. He was active in their life, a soccer coach, their date for Chick Fil A date night, he never came back from Walmart empty handed without some kind of treat for them both, the first one of us to hold them after they were each born, always on the ground playing around, or running outside.

I never just want to focus on the negative, because there is more to all of us then just our struggles.

 But if you are struggling, hopefully these little tips can help you too XOXO

-For me the biggest lesson I learned is do not go on what an addict says, you can only go on their actions. I think you will find through their journey relapse will happen multiple times, and typically after ever relapse they find some sobriety. They will come back saying all the things your tender heart has longed to hear. But try not to hear it. Just look at it. Only look at how they are acting and the choices they are making. To keep yourself sane and for the protection of your kids, live by this "actions speak louder than words."

I use this now with all the men in my life.

-This was a realization that took me years, understanding that what was logical to me, is not logical to an addict. To me it was common sense not to do that. But their head will tell them differently every time.

-You have to realize their behavior is not a reflection on you. This was tough for me, because for me, love was enough. Love is all you need right?!

 If I had Ronnie's love I felt like I could handle anything.

It did not work that way for him.

 So the thought would turn in to, he most not love me the way I love him.

 Don't go down that road because it is not true. His addiction is not a reflection of our love. Mental illness and addiction is a disease, but not a reflection of YOU.

-Take control of your finances. Know the bills, passwords, etc. You would not depend on a child to deal with your money, use that same mentality with an addict.

 It will be one less thing you are having to deal with if you already handle it. It will help you feel more secure.

-Although its scary, learn to think ahead, go to the dark places because for me personally it helped prepare myself for where the girls and I are now. Your mouth would probably drop wide open if you were a fly in the car hearing the conversations my Dad and I would have so often in the privacy of our cars going into work.

 He loves me so much he was able to go to those dark places with me and think through different options the girls and I had if something happened. I am so grateful we did, cause when it did happen, we already knew the response.

 Think of having a plan for your family if there was a fire. It helps knowing where to meet if needed.

-Ronnie's passing was not a shock for me (doesn't make it any less heartbreaking), but I know God had been getting my feet wet for this time. Play out different situations in your head and how you would handle them. For example, many times addiction will lead to job loss. It stinks, but think to yourself, if my spouse does not bring in income, can we make it on mine? How long can we make it on a single income? If their life insurance is through their job you will not get it if they pass away when they are not employed. Think about where your insurance comes from.

 Knowing that info already helps I think to made it a little easier when it happens. You will feel a little more ready.

- And do your best to keep things steady at your job, you will need that. It's tough as anything to go to work the next morning after an overdose or when someone you love is depressed or laying in a hospital bed, but you must remember you cannot control them, all you can control is yourself. The bills will not stop, keep working & being the best employee you can.

 Use all the strength you have to keep working and going.

-Changing my expectations seemed to help. I let go of the thinking that after something terrible happened, it was terrible enough nothing would happen again.

Nope.

In my experience, there was no rock bottom. There was nothing so bad it triggered the behavior to change and never happen again. I changed my thinking to understanding something could always happen worse. That may be a link to my high blood pressure at the time!

But it also kept my expectations grounded.

-Find a healthy way to escape or at least take a breather. Running was mine and still is. Collective Soul sings a song called Heavy, it was my go too, I could take frustration out blasting it, hitting the pavement.

-Never forget or doubt you can and will survive this! You can find peace again and will. Rely on your faith in God and yourself. He knows every tear and will carry you when it seems you can't even get up. When it all seems so confusing and you don't know what to do, just follow your heart. Do what you are comfortable with. XOXO
Now, the sweet story of our baby girl!

Our sweet Nicole Michelle was born Friday, September 18, 2015, it was exactly my 40 week mark to the day! She was born after a scheduled C-section (which I loved!!). Both my girls were born on a Friday and Nicole and I were both born on the 18th of a month. I did not get sick before my delivery like I did with Taylor, but I did start feeling like I could not breathe.
 I remember laying there and the nurse placed a breathing mask over me and Ronnie was standing over me (he liked to look over the curtain, I am like no thank you!!). He placed his hand over my forehead and said, "I am right here with you."
 She came into this world with a group of incredible nurses and Dr. Jo singing Happy Birthday to her when they pulled her out!!

Hmmmm, Taylor was not too sure about this!!!

Taylor was 3 when we became pregnant with our 3rd Baby Portmann, I found out the week of Thanksgiving, then on December 16, 2014 we miscarried. I have spoken about this before and I know so many other couples who have gone through it too. It was heartbreaking.

I remember when Dad was driving me home after he and I picked out an urn for Ronnie I was looking out the car window and said out load, "Do you think Ronnie is with our 2 babies we lost?" Not much shakes my Dad and he came back explaining some of his Biblical thoughts on it. We both felt like Ronnie is with them now XOXO

After that miscarriage God answered my prayers and I quickly became pregnant again.

I don't think I have ever told anyone this, not even Ronnie, but since my hope is both my girls will read these one day, I feel fully confident in saying I knew from the minute it actually happened I was pregnant with Nicole. I was sitting upstairs in our playroom with Taylor sitting cross legged and all the sudden I felt this unusual feeling on my left side. 12 days later I got a positive test :-)

We called both our parents on the Valentine's Day after that and shared our exciting news!

The months after that my pregnancy went well, I remember thinking the biggest differences between being pregnant the first time and being pregnant after you already have kids is there is no time to rest!! Oh my goodness!! I was so swelled up and all I wanted to do was put my big legs up, but when you have a 3 year old waiting at home, not happening!!

Taylor had the same expectations from me, I just had to do it while carrying a huge baby!!

One of the hardest parts I remember was the night Ronnie and I both got food positioning!!

I will spare you the details, but neither of us could hardly move, much less take care of Taylor and I kept thinking, Lord don't let me throw up this baby!!!!!

But we all made it safe and arrived at Northside Hospital around 5 AM, the morning of September 18. I was pretty calm, but Ronnie could not even sit down, he just walked back and forth. He was very excited too!

She was not much of a screamer when she came out (unlike her sister) and was absolutely beautiful. We had already known she was a girl, no special meaning behind the name Nicole, other than we thought it was really pretty. Michelle was my middle name before I got married and its also my cousin Mindy's first name.

As many of you know, she usually goes by Coco. Ronnie would call her NicNic.

In the looks department I have alway thought if anyone wanted to know what Ronnie looked like without a beard, just look at Nicole!

I see her Daddy so much in her pretty face, especially in her eyes. They are big and she has the longest lashes just like her Dad.

She is also on the short side, or as my Mom says, "she is petite!"

One time I told Ronnie, "Did you know Eddie Vedder is only 5' 7"? He said, I am 5' 7"!!!!!!!"

But what she lacks in height she makes up for big time in personality.

Of both my girls she is the most affectionate and loving. She always wants "huggies and kissies", she is gentle with her dolls and loves to cuddle. Ron was the exact same way.

On the other hand, while Taylor is a bit more even keeled with her emotions, you will know pretty fast when Coco Portmann is upset! Boy, she has a fiery side that she can let loose!!

Between the 3 of us, Nicole knew her Dad for less time, 4 years, but she is also the one that talks about him more. I would bet not more than 2 days have gone by since Ronnie passed that she does not say something about how much she misses him or how she wishes Daddy was here. I always nod my head and say how much I miss him too.

What she doesn't know is I see him through her and its healing.

When she sleeps she looks so much like him, always having her feet peeking out of the blankets just like he did.

Both of our girls have a piece of him in them forever, and each day our girls was born was the happiest day of my life.

So as September 18 and 28 approach, I will celebrate so big and remain forever grateful to be their Mommy and forever have a piece of Ronnie.

Love,

Lindsey