The 7th Month Mark

Happy September sweet friends!

Are you as excited as I am for this new month and a fresh start?!

I get so excited with all things fall (even though its still blazing hot here in GA!). The fall colors and smells make me smile. I love putting up all my fall décor around the house. I was talking to my friend Janet the other day about how this year decorating seemed to have a deeper meaning to me. It may sound silly, but I told her it feels like this year there has been so much that has happened out of my control, creating a beautiful and safe feeling home for the girls and myself is something I can control. I have the power to make our home now a safe haven from the outside, its not scary inside, but feels comforting. I hope the girls feel that way too.

I am really looking forward to cooler fall evenings.
Anyone want to come over and I will fix some apple cider one night?!

And along with all things fall, both my precious girls are September babies! So we have a lot to celebrate this time of year and that is a wonderful memory I wanted to share with all ya'll, Nicole's birth!

Look at that dark hair in the picture above, just like her Daddy!

This month is also suicide awareness month...buzz

kill right?!

But thinking about what I wanted to share in this blog I thought back to something I had said after Ronnie first passed, I wanted something positive and helpful to come out of this. My heart wants to share some helpful things that I learned loving someone who struggles with mental health and addiction. I have found they go hand and hand.

To start off I want to be clear in saying I am by no means an expert or professional, this is just my experience. And to top that, if you have been following our story you know the outcome, so what the heck do I know about any of this?!

All I do know is there are so many of us who know someone, love someone, parent someone or is someone with these struggles.

So many friends have told me or wrote me, they get it.

 They lost a son, their daughter is struggling, their spouse has broken their heart with their lies. It is a lot, but I think talking about can help, especially with people who have walked thru it.

And another thing I want to say and make very clear, mental illness and addiction was a small part of Ron's story. He struggled deeply, but it doesn't overshadow all the other things that made him so awesome. He had the biggest heart of any man that I have known. He loved deeply, he was funny, his eyes could be so bright and big. He was very smart too.

Heck, he asked me to marry him, right...wink, wink :-)

He learned to fix things when needed, he was an awesome griller, and lover of music. There was a carefree part of him, he was not afraid to jump in. So many times he kept getting up and getting back up again, pushing through.

He was also the best friend to our girls, they absolutely adored him. He was active in their life, a soccer coach, their date for Chick Fil A date night, he never came back from Walmart empty handed without some kind of treat for them both, the first one of us to hold them after they were each born, always on the ground playing around, or running outside.

I never just want to focus on the negative, because there is more to all of us then just our struggles.

 But if you are struggling, hopefully these little tips can help you too XOXO

-For me the biggest lesson I learned is do not go on what an addict says, you can only go on their actions. I think you will find through their journey relapse will happen multiple times, and typically after ever relapse they find some sobriety. They will come back saying all the things your tender heart has longed to hear. But try not to hear it. Just look at it. Only look at how they are acting and the choices they are making. To keep yourself sane and for the protection of your kids, live by this "actions speak louder than words."

I use this now with all the men in my life.

-This was a realization that took me years, understanding that what was logical to me, is not logical to an addict. To me it was common sense not to do that. But their head will tell them differently every time.

-You have to realize their behavior is not a reflection on you. This was tough for me, because for me, love was enough. Love is all you need right?!

 If I had Ronnie's love I felt like I could handle anything.

It did not work that way for him.

 So the thought would turn in to, he most not love me the way I love him.

 Don't go down that road because it is not true. His addiction is not a reflection of our love. Mental illness and addiction is a disease, but not a reflection of YOU.

-Take control of your finances. Know the bills, passwords, etc. You would not depend on a child to deal with your money, use that same mentality with an addict.

 It will be one less thing you are having to deal with if you already handle it. It will help you feel more secure.

-Although its scary, learn to think ahead, go to the dark places because for me personally it helped prepare myself for where the girls and I are now. Your mouth would probably drop wide open if you were a fly in the car hearing the conversations my Dad and I would have so often in the privacy of our cars going into work.

 He loves me so much he was able to go to those dark places with me and think through different options the girls and I had if something happened. I am so grateful we did, cause when it did happen, we already knew the response.

 Think of having a plan for your family if there was a fire. It helps knowing where to meet if needed.

-Ronnie's passing was not a shock for me (doesn't make it any less heartbreaking), but I know God had been getting my feet wet for this time. Play out different situations in your head and how you would handle them. For example, many times addiction will lead to job loss. It stinks, but think to yourself, if my spouse does not bring in income, can we make it on mine? How long can we make it on a single income? If their life insurance is through their job you will not get it if they pass away when they are not employed. Think about where your insurance comes from.

 Knowing that info already helps I think to made it a little easier when it happens. You will feel a little more ready.

- And do your best to keep things steady at your job, you will need that. It's tough as anything to go to work the next morning after an overdose or when someone you love is depressed or laying in a hospital bed, but you must remember you cannot control them, all you can control is yourself. The bills will not stop, keep working & being the best employee you can.

 Use all the strength you have to keep working and going.

-Changing my expectations seemed to help. I let go of the thinking that after something terrible happened, it was terrible enough nothing would happen again.

Nope.

In my experience, there was no rock bottom. There was nothing so bad it triggered the behavior to change and never happen again. I changed my thinking to understanding something could always happen worse. That may be a link to my high blood pressure at the time!

But it also kept my expectations grounded.

-Find a healthy way to escape or at least take a breather. Running was mine and still is. Collective Soul sings a song called Heavy, it was my go too, I could take frustration out blasting it, hitting the pavement.

-Never forget or doubt you can and will survive this! You can find peace again and will. Rely on your faith in God and yourself. He knows every tear and will carry you when it seems you can't even get up. When it all seems so confusing and you don't know what to do, just follow your heart. Do what you are comfortable with. XOXO
Now, the sweet story of our baby girl!

Our sweet Nicole Michelle was born Friday, September 18, 2015, it was exactly my 40 week mark to the day! She was born after a scheduled C-section (which I loved!!). Both my girls were born on a Friday and Nicole and I were both born on the 18th of a month. I did not get sick before my delivery like I did with Taylor, but I did start feeling like I could not breathe.
 I remember laying there and the nurse placed a breathing mask over me and Ronnie was standing over me (he liked to look over the curtain, I am like no thank you!!). He placed his hand over my forehead and said, "I am right here with you."
 She came into this world with a group of incredible nurses and Dr. Jo singing Happy Birthday to her when they pulled her out!!

Hmmmm, Taylor was not too sure about this!!!

Taylor was 3 when we became pregnant with our 3rd Baby Portmann, I found out the week of Thanksgiving, then on December 16, 2014 we miscarried. I have spoken about this before and I know so many other couples who have gone through it too. It was heartbreaking.

I remember when Dad was driving me home after he and I picked out an urn for Ronnie I was looking out the car window and said out load, "Do you think Ronnie is with our 2 babies we lost?" Not much shakes my Dad and he came back explaining some of his Biblical thoughts on it. We both felt like Ronnie is with them now XOXO

After that miscarriage God answered my prayers and I quickly became pregnant again.

I don't think I have ever told anyone this, not even Ronnie, but since my hope is both my girls will read these one day, I feel fully confident in saying I knew from the minute it actually happened I was pregnant with Nicole. I was sitting upstairs in our playroom with Taylor sitting cross legged and all the sudden I felt this unusual feeling on my left side. 12 days later I got a positive test :-)

We called both our parents on the Valentine's Day after that and shared our exciting news!

The months after that my pregnancy went well, I remember thinking the biggest differences between being pregnant the first time and being pregnant after you already have kids is there is no time to rest!! Oh my goodness!! I was so swelled up and all I wanted to do was put my big legs up, but when you have a 3 year old waiting at home, not happening!!

Taylor had the same expectations from me, I just had to do it while carrying a huge baby!!

One of the hardest parts I remember was the night Ronnie and I both got food positioning!!

I will spare you the details, but neither of us could hardly move, much less take care of Taylor and I kept thinking, Lord don't let me throw up this baby!!!!!

But we all made it safe and arrived at Northside Hospital around 5 AM, the morning of September 18. I was pretty calm, but Ronnie could not even sit down, he just walked back and forth. He was very excited too!

She was not much of a screamer when she came out (unlike her sister) and was absolutely beautiful. We had already known she was a girl, no special meaning behind the name Nicole, other than we thought it was really pretty. Michelle was my middle name before I got married and its also my cousin Mindy's first name.

As many of you know, she usually goes by Coco. Ronnie would call her NicNic.

In the looks department I have alway thought if anyone wanted to know what Ronnie looked like without a beard, just look at Nicole!

I see her Daddy so much in her pretty face, especially in her eyes. They are big and she has the longest lashes just like her Dad.

She is also on the short side, or as my Mom says, "she is petite!"

One time I told Ronnie, "Did you know Eddie Vedder is only 5' 7"? He said, I am 5' 7"!!!!!!!"

But what she lacks in height she makes up for big time in personality.

Of both my girls she is the most affectionate and loving. She always wants "huggies and kissies", she is gentle with her dolls and loves to cuddle. Ron was the exact same way.

On the other hand, while Taylor is a bit more even keeled with her emotions, you will know pretty fast when Coco Portmann is upset! Boy, she has a fiery side that she can let loose!!

Between the 3 of us, Nicole knew her Dad for less time, 4 years, but she is also the one that talks about him more. I would bet not more than 2 days have gone by since Ronnie passed that she does not say something about how much she misses him or how she wishes Daddy was here. I always nod my head and say how much I miss him too.

What she doesn't know is I see him through her and its healing.

When she sleeps she looks so much like him, always having her feet peeking out of the blankets just like he did.

Both of our girls have a piece of him in them forever, and each day our girls was born was the happiest day of my life.

So as September 18 and 28 approach, I will celebrate so big and remain forever grateful to be their Mommy and forever have a piece of Ronnie.

Love,

Lindsey