The 10th Month Mark

 

HO! HO! HO!

Happy Holidays sweet friends & family!

Thank you for checking in with us at the 10th month mark, especially this super busy time of the year. I know sometimes just finding a few moments to yourself is valuable, I appreicate you spending a few of them with us.

So lets dive in!

So it is proably no surprise the most frequent question I get these days is how are we handling the holidays?

Since its only December 13 when this blog goes live I can't say how Christmas will be, but so far we have been doing good. I feel some anxiety thinking about Christmas Eve night without him but we were blessed to celebrate Thanksgiving twice this year (my waist line shows it!!). My cousin Mindy hosted a delighful Thanksgiving lunch with my Mom's side of the family and my Uncle David and Aunt Karen had us over Thanksgiving Day for turkey Bulldog style in Athens. Both meals were delicious (except for the pecan pie I bombed on!! It was all runny...I called it a 2020 pie) but being around our family was THE BEST. It makes me so happy XOXO

While I was eating some apple pie with my incredible Aunt Judy and also fellow widower (my Uncle Glenn passed away in February too...not the best week in my family obviously). Sweet Kim was walking around Mindy's house looking for her Hubby.

 She said out load "I've lost my husband!"

I looked at Aunt Judy and said "So did we!!!"

She started laughing so hard!!!

You HAVE to find some humor in this to keep going.

Since Thanksgiving Day we have been on a roll with our Christmas traditions like seeing Santa, Christmas movie nights, driving out to see The Lights of Life and enjoying some yummy treats from The Marietta Diner. I am also hosting the dessert portion of my neighborhood Progressive Dinner! This was also all the stuff we did with Ronnie too.

 I will have a few moments like seeing the lights where I will think to myself, "I sure do miss you Ronnie, I want you here with us", but I have been able so far to keep going forward. 

With that being said and the risk of you thinking I have gone nuts, 2 things happened this Christmas season, and I feel as though they are Ronnie.

First one, I was sitting at my computer working and the girls were sitting on the couch looking at their IPads, even our friend Kinley was here. But no one had been moving. Then all the sudden an ornamanet fell off the tree and shattered. But no one had walked by it and we have no pets to knock ornaments over. When I walked over to see which one it was it kind of took me back:

See what I mean?! One of our precious Just Married ornaments we got at our wedding shower. Then to top that, Taylor's IPad has a big crack in it, it use to be Ronnie's. It has been acting all crazy ghostwriting. That is when the IPad seems to move on its on, something with the layering when you have cracks.

 Anyway, I was working at my computer again the not touching it, all the sudden it started turning on, like it enered the password while no one (at least alive!!) was touchiung it. Then it went to photos and starting playing all pics of just Ronnie.

I said outloud "Pickles is that you?!"

There have been other moments like this my Mother in Law share with each other, maybe that will be another blog post?!
We have even had some awesome moments of great strength!

Hauling in our Christmas Tree was one of those shining moments for us 3.

It was a moment of using our strength and will to do it on our own, and we did it!

Yes it is still standing!

A few days ago in my personal life I realized some things that really hurt my heart.

 I noticed though the way I handled it changed a good bit from the way I used to handle things before experienceing this type of deep grief.

I use to let my hurt feelings be in someone else's hands or actions.

 But I think now, probably with age too, I am in more control of how I feel and how I can make it better.

So if something hurts me, it is up to me to make it better.

We all have that power within us.

And you are too valuable to give it to someone else, especially someone who is careless with it.

I thought to myself, maybe there is some good stuff that comes out of this greif.

I do believe none of this will be wasted.

That somehow everything the girls and I have felt will carry us into something more incredible.

I have mentioned this before, but I can see in myself that I use to be afraid for people to know how I felt about them. Maybe it is the fear of rejection? Could they not handle my truth?

For so many years some of the actions Ronnie did under the influnce broke me.

But I did not say it.

I was afraid of his reaction. Would it make him more depressed? Would he leave?

If I say what I feel, can he handle it? And I kept it inside.

Until close to the end when it exploded out.

I carry so many feelings about that now, how I think I should have done this or that.

But I also know I can't change anything.

I do know I want people to know how I feel about them.

I say I love you way more frequent then I ever did before.

And I am not ashamed of it.

The way my thoughts are now, I would rather tell someone how much I care and then they can do with it what they want. 

But at least though know.

Along with expereincing this type of grief I feel like my fear factor has gone down BIG time.

Like, I use to fear what if someone leaves me?

What if I loose this income? 

What if I am alone?

What if I am single?

What if it hurts?

Then when the things you fear DO happen and you SURVIVE them, the fear is defeated.

It does not mean I don't take hits, because I sure do, everyone does.

And it doesn't mean I don't get hurt and wrestle with self doubt.

But it has changed into my knowledge that whatever happens, God has got me. I have 10 months worth of pretty incredible strength that keeps growing.

And even if none of the things you fear ever do happen, it does not change that God has you too XOXO 

It is Christmas time, the time to tell people how you feel (do I have any Love Actually fans out there?!?!) XOXO

For this month's blog entry I wanted to share the friendship side of Ronnie and I asked his best friend and one of mine too now, Dale to share a memory that was special for him of Ron.

Dale and Ronnie met at Haynes Bridge Middle School, both guys are excellent teachers. Dale will give you a little more on that here!!

After I accepted the job at Haynes Bridge Middle School in 2015, I was told that I would beworking with a teacher by the name of Ron Portmann. So, I searched Ron Portmann in Facebook and itdid not take long to see that he was a big UGA fan. Ron had a picture posted of his classroom which wasdecked in Dawg gear. 

 I am thinking this guy is going to hate me when he finds out that I’m a South Carolina fan, especially after SC had just beat GA the previous season. Nevertheless, I messaged him on FB to introduce myself as his new co-teacher.  His reply was something like this,& I quote "Yes, I am THE Ron Portmann." 

 So, my immediate impression was, I’m going to be working with a conceited, obnoxious UGA fan. Needless to say, this could not have been further from the truth. 

Ron was a remarkable teacher. He had a way of connecting with ALL of his students. They loved him too.

 I was more of the disciplinarian, so I wasn’t feeling too much love.  We co-taught 3 classes together and the 8th graders that year were particularly challenging. Because of this, we spent a lot of

time planning after school.  I had already taught 19 years and this was Ron’s 6 th year teaching.

 Even so, I learned just as much as the students, not only about math strategies, but temperament. Although we had different teaching styles, we worked really well as a team.

Over Spring break I invited Ron to go gambling at the casino in Cherokee, NC. Ron said, and I quote "I need

to see what Lindsey has planned for us."

 I was surprised when he said he could go.  Ron had never been

to a casino. It was a Wednesday morning, so it was not too crowded. I was teaching him Blackjack strategy until I realized he was doubling down and I was out of chips. When I told him that I was going to get

more money at the atm, Ron picked up 2 stacks of chips and handed them to me.

 This got us kicked off the table. Ron didn’t know he wasn’t allowed to pass, or share, money while sitting at a gaming table. I

tried to explain that this was Ron’s first time, he did not know any better. The dealer wasn’t having it.

The other players were looking at us with an evil eye so we bowed out as gracefully as possible at that point.

I could tell Ron’s adrenaline was racing from his winnings because he had just turned $20 into $240. We soon parked at a table to play 3 Card Stud. The dealer was a nice guy and coached us because

no one else was playing, and he knew we had no clue how to play. Ron won $350 in his first 2 hands.

I’m advising him not to bet so high every time. Within 20 minutes, we only had $40.  I pried him away and we spent the next 30 minutes playing the nickel slots while pondering the validity of the phrase,

Easy come, easy go. For the next 45 minutes, we found a $5 Blackjack table and decided we would either double the $40 and go home, or, lose it, and have no other choice but to go home. I was hoping

Ron’s beginners luck streak would continue so we would at least break even. We left the casino with $10 to buy gas on the way home.

There is something to be said about road trips. You are trapped in a car, nowhere to escape, so, we ended up having some good conversation and created a bond, a friendship. Neither one of us had brothers growing up. I would have wanted my relationship with a brother to be as close as I was with Ron. He was my co-teacher, business partner and my best friend, which I used to think it sounded silly

being a grown man proclaiming his “best friend”.

 But feeling silly is a lot better that what I feel now.

Ron's presence is so strong sometimes, I forget he is actually gone. Then, other times, when I am pressure washing, or using one of his math strategies with my students, I miss Ron terribly. Thank u for letting me

share a memory.

Ronnie was a great and warm hearted person, he was liked by so many people. When Dale and I first met, we were not that close but towards the final years of Ron's life, our love for him connected us. Dale was a friend like no other to Ron. He stood by him and did everything to help him he could until the very last day he was alive. Dale and I have a mutual understanding of what we both went through. Some of it was pretty dark and scary. Having people who get that is so valuable. Since Ronnie's passing Dale has stepped in whenever I have needed him. He has come over to pressure wash and help me with the garage clean up.

And he always makes me laugh!!

He will send me a pic of a crazy taco drive through he is at or tell me how he risked life and limb climbing a ladder! 

Dale also will just call to check on me and the girls. I don't think he will mind me saying this, but I think it can be a lot for him sometimes. Coming to our house for example can bring on a flood of emotions for him because it connects him to Ron. But he still does it cause he is just a good guy with a giving heart. I know without a doubt Ron is thankful to him for all he does for  "his girls."

Christmas time has so many meanings and is special for many reasons. One of those are the Christmas memories we make with our families. My hope is one day the girls will read this and know just how much their Daddy loved them.

I thought I would share just a few of our family Christmas memories through the years XOXO

Every November I take the girls to ride Macy's Pink Pig (except 2020, Corona took the pig out!). Some years it was just us and some years our extended family went with us. Here is 2014 with Avery and Ryder!!

Every Decemeber our church Johns Creek Baptist puts on the most beautiful Christmas show ever. It is a must see and will be a blessing to you and your family! They do a Saturday and Sunday show. From the ballet dancers to the GA Tech drumline playing Little Drummer Boy, it is a highlight of the Christmas season. When Taylor was 3 months old she even played Baby Jesus while we were Joseph and Mary. Ronnie looked perfect for that role don't you think?!

This was at JCBC in 2015, we did have to make an early exit and it was NOT because of our youngest daughter either! I am looking at you Taylor Portmann!!

Another Portmann Family tradition is riding The Blue Ridge Railroad to see Santa, Frosty and The Grinch!! This is a fabulous experience with yummy snacks and great picture opputunities. Plus riding through downtown Blue Ridge is so beautiful. The beautful dresses in this picture were made by my sweet boss Barbara.

Of course I know this is a popular for so many, reading the Night Before Christmas on Christmas Eve. Ronnie ALWAYS did the best voices ya'll!!

My favorite was when he would be Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter!!!

The weekend after Thanksgiving we would take the girls to Lights of Life at Life University in Marietta and eat dinner at the Marietta Diner. I can't recommend this one enough, its close and not to expensive! You can park and walk around too. They have a petting zoo, funnel cakes and a littel train. Look at Daddy and Taylor sledding!

Seeing Santa every year was always a highlight for me! We have also seen this Santa at North Point Mall (except this year...Covid again). We would get our Santa pic, ride the mall train then go each lunch at the food court! Taylor always picks Chick Fil A, I usully get pizza and Ron would get a gyro or Chinese and we would all share. Then of course a spin on the merry go round!

Another hightlight is what our family calls Portmas!

Omma termed it back when Amy was working her different nursing schedule, sometimes she would have to work on the holidays. So we just celebrated on a differnt day!

This was the year we wore our Christmas jammies!!

It is always one of my favorite meals, Poppie prepares a delicious meat, Ommas does tradtional sides like green bean casserole and brown rice. Always a salad and sweet tea to drink. And when you talk about gift giving, my mother in law SHINES!

Each of us has our own wrapping paper pattern and everything is equal. We open youngest to oldest, it is so much fun!! Her Christmas home is beautiful too. Gold reindeer, kid ornaments and paper snowlakes in the kitchen like from Elf XOXO

Every December 1st I would prepare our Elf on the Shelf breakfast or breakfast for dinner and Ronnie would read the book outload about Elfie. We did do that this year but I was not quite ready to read the book myself yet. Not sure if I can do it Christmas Eve night either.

But that is okay.

Some things I am not ready for.

Always do what YOU are comfortable with and when YOU are ready.

One of our favourite date nights was my annual Christmas Party. Through 14 years of our changing economy my company has never slacked on treating their emploeeys with a faboulos end of the year celebration. The last few years it was at The Hotel Avalon. I am talking drinks, dellious buffetts, dessert tables, DJ's, poker tables and photo booths!

My inlaws always keep the girls for us that night and we love every second. Some nights we would even go to Waffle House after midnight then come home and watch Christmas with The Kranks!! 

I would always buy a new dress and Ronnie didn't want to see it until that night. No matter what I was wearing that year, I would walk out of our room and he would tell me I had never looked more beautiful.

I think this was 2 years ago now, but ya'll we were getting our picture taken at the party and the sweetest young girl asked me "when I was due?"

Ya'll, if you could have only seen the fire daggers that came out of his eyes!!!

I was totally fine, although I was not preggers I still had my baby weight. I looked like I could be, but I had just been enjoying the buffet :-)

Ron the other hand, my goodness he went off!!!

This year with Covid there was no Christmas Party, part of me missed it and part of me was ok with it, one less thing I have to "go thru."

Did you know I still have a pic of our first Christmas Party in my wallet?!

Ronnie didn't have the beard, just a chin strap!

I could probably go on with a couple more blogs full of Christmas memories, I have so many amazing ones with Ron and my girls.

They will forever be treasured memories for me in my life.

As we also all approach the end of 2020...finally, right?!

I huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the love and prayers you continue to give to us.

I hope your Christmas season is filled with much joy, hope and sparkle.

A special shout out to all those who find this season a little harder, you are not alone. 

Keep going.

My girls are the greatest gifts I have ever gotten. They are the angels on my tree and hope to make this Christmas so special for them.

I hope it is special for you too.

Love,

Lindsey