Hello Friends and Family & Happy November!
Notice it is also Friday the 13th when this blog goes live...EEK!! But at this point, I am kind of like what is a Friday the 13th going to through at us that 2020 hasn't already?! It takes a little more to scare me these days :-)
It is raining tonight as I am writing this blog, the weather here in GA has actually been pretty warm. All the leaves on the trees are changing and beginning to fall. Driving around my neighborhood, I love seeing all the leaves on the ground, I know next season they will be gone and the trees will be bare so I try to really pay attention and soak it in now. So a little bit about what the Portmann Girls have been up to since my last post.
We got through some pretty big hurdles which I am really proud of us for. The start of October I attended my first UGA game without Ronnie. It was different anyway with all the covid stuff, but it had been over a decade since I had been to a game without him next to me cheering on the Dawgs. Very mixed feelings but I went and actually had a great time! One of my best friends Janet was there with us the entire time. She was on one side of me and Dad was on the other, so I was in pretty good company. We ended up dancing, cheering loud and being so excited to come out with a win over Auburn...that will help anything!!
After that came Halloween, my family came up to celebrate with us and it was my Mom's birthday so that made it extra special! Taylor dressed up as a black cat, Coco was Belle and I was a Maiden, going with what 2020 gave me it was either that or a black widow :-) Now if I looked like Scarlett Johansson that would have been an awesome costume!
It was like all these mixed emotions, I have started calling them suicide side effects. And there is one big one that I often wrestle with. And I know the enemy knows where to hit me, like a weak spot.
The complexity comes for me when I get stuck in this. I know and have seen how deep mental illness, depression, anxiety and addiction can be. We are talking about a powerful chemical imbalance, I believe. I know and understand it is not logical. But there is also another side, and if I am being real, having someone you love leave you in any way can take a hit at your self confidence.
I never want to be a wet blanket, I only want to share my experiences hoping it may let someone else know they are not alone in some of the harder feelings that can come up. I have often wondered if I will find someone one day who won't leave.
I can think "my own husband didn't want to stay, why would anyone else?"
And then I am shown I already have that, its God.
Talking to my Mom the other day on the phone I said without a doubt I can truly say this, everyday since 2/13 God has shown Himself to me. He does it in little God Hugs, here is what I mean.
Last week I got a letter from the funeral home that cremated Ronnie, they are so sweet and made a Christmas ornament for us. Well, there I am standing on my street reading this sweet letter feeling the gulp in my throat come up and a neighbor who I have never talked to before walked by, introduced herself to me and said she has been praying for us. She had heard what happened. She said you and your home are beautiful. That little sentence was bigger to me then she will ever know. She told me of her granddaughter going through a divorce right now and how alone she felt. I told her, widowhood and divorce have a lot in common, if she ever needed someone to talk to, I would love to be there and gave her my number.
Or my friend JRae calling me, not knowing that I was upset at that very moment, but just saying all the right things I needed to hear. It's not coincidence, I know that.
In this journey of grief and healing my heart I have experienced a season of feeling that there is no real danger. It is not to say I don't worry, cause I sure do! Going from 2 incomes to 1 can make any parent worry, lets be honest. Wondering how this experience will shape my girls thoughts of themselves, there worth and men can take me to a dark space. But the feeling of never knowing when something bad is about to happen has faded away. And I know He is good and will never leave us empty handed. I think we should all expect great things.
So I guess my point in all that was, even in the darkness, whatever you are feeling, keep looking for the light. Its right there, maybe not in the form you think it should be, but you will find it and it can bless you in another form. Greif is truly an up an down road so many of us know too well. Keep getting up XOXO
So if that wasn't totally depressing and I didn't put out the fire of your feel good mood, I wanted to share some memories of the girls last time out with Ronnie, all the pictures came from him XOXO
Every February since 2013 Ronnie first took Taylor and than added Nicole to Chick Fil A's Daddy Daughter Date Night. I remember their first one, when Baby Taylor was 5 months old and he put her in the CFA Cow's lap for a picture with her crown on, and she barfed up vanilla ice cream all over the cow...MOO!!!!
Here are my loves at dinner! I had strict instructions that night to do whatever I wanted, and Ron had strict instructions that night to take as many pictures as he could!
After dinner the girls got some make up glitter put on by Sweet and Sassy! And their annual picture with the cow!
Surfing at the American Girls store!!
Meet Buddy the Chihuahua!!
Stories like Buddy vs Ronnie always make me laugh, and Ron would start laughing when I would, we shared so many of those laughs, I sure do miss that. He would say little stuff or make a face that he knew would crack me up, he was a really funny guy.
