Hello sweet friends and Happy October!
I hope the new fall season has been going well for you, we have really been enjoying it!
The girls and I have been doing some fun fall activities like football games, picking out some pumpkins, eating apple cinnamon bread and decorating our house for Halloween!
We have a lot of fun this time of year, and this weather, could it be better?!
Most every morning after dropping the girls off at school I drive back home and see the most beautiful sunrise over Sawnee Mountain, all the orange and pink colors light up a new day.
Since the last blog the girls have gotten older!!
Taylor turned 8 and Nicole turned 5, their birthday party was wonderful!!
It was filled with friends, family and a unicorn.
Look at my beautiful second grader:
I had actually forgotten it was school picture day until she came home and told me it was school picture day, but I think her shirt came out pretty fabulous, just like her!
For this 8th month update I wanted to share with you a book that has touched me so deep and one of my favorite memories with Ronnie, our honeymoon in Jamaica!
If you follow me on social media you have probably heard me mention my incredible neighbors multiple times, they are absolutely the best and have been there for me and the girls everyday.
One of my best friends and neighbors mentioned a group to me a few months ago his aunt was involved in called Never Alone Widows and I am so blessed he did because it has been wonderful! Its a group of women who are around the same age as me and also have young children. They even have smaller groups, for example there are military widows and I am in the suicide widows group.
It feels kind of weird to write that, but I have discovered there are more people in my boat.
It is a group where we can pretty much say anything good or bad and its safe.
It has truly been a blessing to know I am not alone in this journey. One of the sweet girls recommended the book, Fear Gone Wild by Kayla Stoecklein.
If I am being honest thru these 8 months I have had a few books recommended to me or articles, yet I have not really had the heart to read them. But this one ya'll...has touched me so deep. All the words Kayla says about her beloved Andrew I want to yell out, "Me too!!" or "I get it!!! Ronnie did the same thing!!"
She touches on spiritual warfare, a widows anger, and being in a position of raising young kids by yourself when you never thought you would be.
The things she writes about what her Andrew went through, the visions, the depression, the praying to God to please take this pain away, and walking through the wilderness.
It is all things Ronnie went through.
Andrew was a pastor, Ronnie was a teacher of the year, Robin Williams was a brilliant comedian, and Chris Cornell was a multi millionaire with one of the best voices ever.
Yet this knows no boundaries. It is a wildfire out of control that once lit, can destroy anyone no matter who they are.
And Chris, Robin, Ronnie and Andrew both has the same result, death by suicide.
I can't recommend this book enough if you are dealing with the feelings of loss or grief or you need some encouragement and hope.
I also wanted to open up about what happened last Friday and may use some of Kayla's words to help get through it.
As many of you know, Ronnie passed away a few weeks before Covid hit,
nice one 2020.
It changed the world for everyone. When it happened I was told by the medical examiner it would cause some delays in Ronnie's toxicology results. So as the months have gone by I would check in with a very nice lady named Lynn who did Ron's exam and she would say the results were not back yet, but when they did come in she would have them sent to me.
You may be thinking, "Lindsey why the heck would you want to see this?!"
For me, some of it was curiosity and some of it was I wanted somewhere to put this anger that can build up.
In my thinking, if I knew he was on some kind of substance I could take all my anger out on that. The drugs made him do it!
I could pull out some Jamie Foxx and blame it on the alcohol, that would explain it all!!
But in my heart, deep down, I already knew what the answer was. And it was confirmed when that paperwork arrived.
Taylor had just got home from school and I went out to get the mail, I came back in and sat down to read it and could feel the sharp sting in my chest.
You know that Eminem lyric "and right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe"
That pretty much describes how it felt physically as I read through these 2 sheets of paper.
2 sheets of paper that seemed to rip my heart into 2 pieces.
They were detailed about the end and put a huge spotlight on our serious mental illness is.
The brain is such a powerful thing, I have often said to my Mom when we are having conversations and we are trying to understand something we can't get, it's not logical, it is mental illness.
Some choices that are made are not under any type of substances, they are just made from a brain that is very sick.
The report had almost a map like drawing of my beloved's body.
Each tattoo was documented and it was like a trip down memory lane. Ronnie had gotten all his tattoos before I met him, the only one get got with me was our wedding bands.
I remember when we went on our first family vacation how nervous he was of what my family would think of his tattoos.
Of course no one cared and it was just a part of him. But it took me back to the many times I would see them when he was getting dressed for work or getting out of the shower. When he slept on his side how one would peek over. I thought they were beautiful just like the body they were on.
This map was my sweet Pickles, it was a body that had arms that held me so many nights, strong legs that did so much around our house from fixing things to hanging decorations for me. The hand that still had his wedding band on at the very end and the hands that held mine and the girls.
I put the papers down and the tears came rolling out.
I didn't want Taylor to see me so I hid in the bathroom and called Ronnie's BFF Dale, who is now one of my BFF's. He listened and felt it with me as he always does.
Dale and I have gone through so much, he was a friend to Ronnie like no other. I can't tell you how many nights he would drive around looking for him, how he let him stay at his home, how he supported me. And I know he hurts too. But he still comes over and makes me laugh, we talk politics, he picks up whenever I call and he helps me around the house when I need it. He is one of the best!
After that I talked to Mom and Dad, like they always do, they just let me get it all out and then take a deep breath.
And that is when I knew what to do next, let it out, take a deep breath and keep going.
8 months of the grief I am learning a few things :-)
Some of my favorite words Kayla ended her book with:
"Today, on day 619, I can honestly say I've stopped dreading my days-I've started living them. I've stopped seeing my days as one long road leading me to Andrew, and instead, I've chosen to embrace, to wake up, to grab hold of this one life and live it. During the first year there were reminders of Andrew everywhere, strings tided to him, and with every move I became tangled up in them. But now as I look around my house, the tangled web of grief has slowly withered away and I find myself sitting in this new life I have made. Every choice, every step, ever brave yes that first year has led me here.
The black and white world of grief has slowly faded away, and I am starting to see color again. And because I have tasted death, the colors are even more vibrant and beautiful than before. I have had some ugly, horrific moments. But I have also had wonderful, beautiful, breathtaking moments. Loss has opened my eyes to see everything differently.
I don't want to miss a thing. Life even after a loss is worth living, worth fighting for and worth rebuilding over and over again.
Keep going.
Keep catching the magical moments. We are in this together.
You are not alone."
The early morning of August 2, 2009 Ronnie and I took a flight down to Jamaica at the Sandals Resort for a few days, when I say it was my favorite trip ever, I truly mean it!!!
I remember that morning when we were packing up from our hotel room to head down to the airport I was standing on the hotel bathroom taking down my wedding hair. There were some many bobby pins!! And Ronnie stood right in there with me and helped me take them out.
The week of our honeymoon was filled with sunshine, clear water, a butler and some of the most yummy food!!!
We slept in late, enjoyed meals by the water and danced to Bob Marley while the sunset. It was like heaven!
Sweet kisses after breakfast, Ronnie loved the breakfast bar! He would always get some salmon and fresh fruit, he loved the mangos!
We would spend the afternoon reading books on the beach. See that girls on the right walking, she was ALL about topless sunbathing!!
Ronnie said he didn't notice, he just had eyes for me....YEAH RIGHT!!!!
This was the night that had a chocolate bar on the patio with a live band!
You know I was all about that!! Eating some delicious sweets then dancing the night away, we loved to dance together! Slow or fast, we loved to bust a move!
Although Ron's mind was pretty complex, he was also pretty simple too.
He didn't need much in regards to material things to make him happy.
Just put him on a beach with a cigar, anything about the Bulldogs and me, he was in his happy place.
I picture different things about heaven, what its like sometimes.
Maybe there is a warm beach like this where he can jam out to some Phish or Bob Marley.
I know he has a peace now like he never had before and I know I have more peace in my home. There is no more raging wildfire.
Isaiah tells us that our name speaks to the hope that God gives to those in the ashes.
God gives beauty where destruction and hopelessness once resided.
"Beauty from the ashes."
Maybe there is beauty from the ashes of this wildfire.
If fear has gone wild in your life, know you are not alone either.
I get it and I am here if you ever need to let it out XOXO
Love,
Lindsey
