The number 3 seems to pop up for me a lot these past 3 months, if you follow me on Facebook you may remember I made a post a few weeks ago about what the number 3 and what it meant to me along with angels, I think there are some special meanings behind it. We are now a family of 3.
Ronnie was also baptized on the 3rd Sunday in July and that's a special memory I would like to share with ya'll.
We are doing well, it seems as time has moved along, the questions about their Daddy have increased. It seems certain things trigger these questions, the biggest 2 is being in the car or in the bathroom :-)
Some questions can be pretty funny cause you HAVE to find humor in all of this to get by.
Here are a few:
-Do you fart in heaven?
-Did Daddy see Gizmo and PK? (our dog and cat who have passed)
-I was getting ready one morning curling my hair and Nicole walked up to me holding her IPad and goes "Did Daddy die of Coronavirus?" No surprise why Coco asked this one!! This is when he was pressure washing. Widowed parents have to be ready for anything!
-Is there online learning in heaven (this came from Taylor)
I gave a big NO on that one (or at least I hope)!! This has been one of the biggest things I have to really get my patience on for (just being honest). One night Taylor had to do 2 worksheets and she said something along the lines of a complaint after she had been playing all day and I had been working. My reaction looked a little like this:
Of course I felt absolutely TERRIBLE after I lost my cool!! I apologized for it and since then school work has gone pretty good, she may not want to poke Mommy Beast :-)
Talking to my kids about death has been pretty complex for me, obviously I am no expert. I try to be honest and age appropriate at the same time. I hope that I say the right things and always try to end the conversation about how much they are loved and safe.
I originally had plans to make this post about something different, but one day while driving the Zach Williams song Fear Is a Liar came on and changed my mind.
When he told you you're not good enough, When he told you you're not right
When he told you you're not strong enough to put up a good fight
When he told you you're not worthy
When he told you you're not loved
When he told you you're not beautiful, that you will never be enough
Fear he is a liar, He will take your breath stop you in your steps
Cast your fear in the fire, 'Cause fear he is a liar
My hope is to word this correctly and let you know my memories. I am nervous it may be too dark, but heck, addiction and mental illness can be pretty dark.
I can't speak for what Ronnie exactly saw or felt all I know what he told me and the great things that happened after it.
I wanted to share my memories of his baptism and the events that let up to it. I feel like sharing a little bit of what got him to that point may show exactly how special of a day it was for him and those that love him.
Mothers Day 2019 I was sitting in church and Pastor Shaun was giving his
sermon, I remember him saying "Your fatal flaw is not final." Then my
phone started vibrating, I first ignored it but it kept on ringing from
Augusta, GA. Ronnie was currently in rehab down there and it was not the usual
time he was allowed to call so I figured I better pick up.
I grabbed the girls and we
went into the bathroom and I called the number back, it was a nurse letting me
know that Ronnie had been taken to Augusta Hospital, he had blacked out and was
not responsive so they called for an ambulance. The reason I bring this part up
is to show that this was my proof he at that time was in a sober state and not
under any substances. If you know anything about rehab they do a VERY thorough
search when you enter, no drugs, no alcohol and no belts or shoelaces. They
check your crevasses too :-) For the rest of that Sunday I was on the
phone with doctors asking me questions about his past and running multiple
tests on him to see what happened. They could not figure out what it was, what
made him black out. But they did confirm with me there was no trace of drugs or
alcohol in his system. They kept him there for 2 more days and its where I want
his words to step in as best as I can remember.
After a month in rehab he
came back home in June. That night when the girls finally went to sleep (as you
can imagine every time he would return home they were on cloud 9 with
excitement and energy) he wanted to tell me what happened in the Augusta Hospital.
Ronnie told me he saw Jesus, he told me he could clearly see it was Him. He also saw a demon in a cage in the corner. That is where the Zach Williams song kicked in my head. Fear is the liar. My thinking is that symbolized the demons Ronnie fought so hard against. Ron said he saw the girls and I in this encounter. He said he felt like God gave him a glimpse into the future of what would happen if he used again with the girls and I not being there anymore. I know that was one of his biggest fears was losing us.
Remember this all happened while Ron
was in the hospital and all the tests showed his was sober.
This encounter touched Ronnie deeply
and he wanted to meet with Pastor Shaun to talk about it, so he did and a few
weeks later Ronnie was baptized at our church.
Before the actual baptism Pastor Shaun
talked about 2 characters in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. The main character
Eustace steals an armband, turns into a dragon and can't get the armband off.
Then he meets a lion called Aslan which symbolized Christ. Eustace just wanted
to relief from the armband, it was too tight and it hurt. Aslan told him to
follow me into the water but first you have to undress and rid yourself.
Eustace tried to shed
his own skin, the skin he gave himself. The armband he put on.
He didn't want to be in it anymore.
Ronnie felt that way sometimes.
Every time Eustace would shed his skin
himself, more scales would grow back.
Aslan told him, in the water I have to
undress you.
You can't do this by yourself.
Since Aslan was a lion he had massive
claws, the first skin he shredded from Eustace was very painful but once he got
in the water with the lion his skin became beautiful. It didn't hurt.
Christ shredded his old skin.
Ronnie allowed the God who loved him to
shed his skin and that Sunday my family got see that symbol and celebrate
it. One if the very best parts was that both Taylor and Nicole got to see it.
Here is Dad holding Nicole during the
baptism:
My girls getting to see their Daddy rise from the water is one of the best things I think they will ever remember and for that I am so grateful.
I think we all face or battle some type of fear/insecurity everyday and it can be a lot, I know I do. But never forget how strong YOU are. Keep on going & fighting.
If you have hung with me this long through the post, thank you XOXO. A lot of the people I know who read this have a deep love for Ronnie or may know him as Mr. Portmann. When something like this happens there are MANY questions and a lot we may never know, but I can tell you what Pastor Shaun told me the Tuesday I was sitting in his office planning out Ron's service. He looked straight at me and said there is no action that any of us do that will cause us to "lose" our salvation. I hope this brings you peace like it did me.
Love,
Lindsey
