I found myself thinking this week as we approach the 13th what I wanted to share about my Piggy G. Just like last month I think my brain works like a bullet list, I will seem to have different things pop up and I write them down. As I am looking at a list of my random thoughts I wrote down, I remind myself what I want this blog to be for my girls. I hope it will become a happy source of memories about their Daddy and a dose of what real life looks like for us. I also hope to give everyone a little look inside some great memories from our life!
I know everyone reading this right now can totally agree, all our lives have looked a little different these past weeks!
So far 2020 has been nothing like I have experienced before but we are doing pretty well.
The girls have remained upbeat and become a little more independent. They know when Mommy is working I can't jump up at that moment and get what they need. But a lot of times they discover they can actually do it themselves & I think that is a great lesson!
So many times people compare grief to waves and I am finding that is pretty accurate. This last week for example was one for the emotional records!! One day I was on cloud 9 with thanksgiving when I found out a something that had been giving me deep worry would be okay, my girls would be okay.
The next day I had a wonderful Facetime spaghetti dinner with my family, no less then 5 minutes after it was over I was in tears of anger. That is what grief can look like. But every time it hits there is a choice to keep going. Just keep swimming. Going through this so far I have learned to be more aware of the things I let in my mind from the music I listen to and the movies we watch. The other night the girls asked to watch the new Disney movie Onward, a few minutes into it I learned it was about 2 kids whose father died when they were young and they were trying to find out more about him, I should have known better with a Disney movie what the fate of the parents would be!! I realized I need to be a little more aware of those kind of triggers.
I have always loved music, like so many it can make me feel so much and take me back to great moments. There is a Toby Mac song called 21 Years, I am sure you have heard it, its a song he wrote last fall when his son passed away.
"Did he see You from a long way off
Running to him with a Father's heart
Did you wrap him up inside Your arms
And let him know, that he's home"
When he is singing this I can picture Ronnie in God's arms.
A part toward the end of the song you can almost hear Toby singing/yelling/wailing.
I get it, its the sound of all the emotions. Sometimes if I am in the car by myself, I will do the same thing.
A few things about Ronnie a lot of people may not know:
-Did you know I called him Pickles?! Pickles Portmann. My Dad & Uncle David called him Rontavious. Sometimes my family called him Don....those were memories!
-When I dream of him he doesn't have a beard. Some dreams have been nightmares, those stink. But some dreams have been so intimate and real. Whenever I would kiss Ronnie often I would have both hands on his face and rub his beard. I miss the beard.
-Ron created his own YouTube Channel to help his students with math, its still there is you ever have a math question! He would film it in our garage.
-Ronnie was a bit more affectionate then me, he was a hand holder in the car and wanting to sit right next to me on the couch all the time. I tend to me a little more stand offish. PDA's give me anxiety and he loved them, go figure! Ronnie expressed his love with letters and cards:
This is just a small example of the pages of letters and cards he would write me. I have years worth. From anniversaries to rehab to apologies, he would pour his heart onto paper. As you can imagine, I cherish these. And he didn't stop at paper, he would cover our bathroom mirror with his feelings:
These are all still up. Ron also made it a point to tell me somehow what his heart was feeling. He always wanted me to know no matter what, how much he loved me.
-In college Ronnie was a vegetarian. That didn't last long!! He loved grilling and BBQ like his Dad. All our family each have t-shirts that say Porty's Pulled Pork!
One of the best memories is the day Taylor was born. Here is the day on how I remember it!
Taylor was due October 5, 2012, she was our rainbow baby. We had started trying in June of 2011. Ron and I were living in a one bedroom apartment and he was student teaching. I came home from work one day the there was a note next to my birth control pills, the container was empty and the note said I love you forever, lets do it! I found out I was pregnant that August but unfortunately I lost the baby. My heart was shattered. I know his was too. Come January we found out my thyroid was low and so I started medication for that and 2 weeks later around 5 AM I got a positive test result. Talk about over the moon!!
Ron was sleeping and I ran into our bedroom with the pregnancy test, we were so excited. A few months later we found out we were expecting a girl. We rode to Babies R Us that day and bought a handful of girl cloths and sat out on the patio that night just smiling talking about baby girl names. Ronnie always liked Natalie which I do too but.....Natalie Portmann, get it?! I was not too crazy about that! Fast forward to September 28th, we were getting close and I was having weekly doctor appointments, I was absolutely huge. And hot. Third trimester in the GA heat is no joke!
The 28th was a Friday and my appointment was at 10 AM I think, Ronnie was working and said "Only call me if we are having a baby!" that morning on his way to work. Turns out, I called him. During my exam Dr. Jo thought something may be wrong with Taylor's heart. You want to talk about a parent's heart almost stopping. I remember thinking to myself, I am not losing this baby. I have made it this long. She went ahead and sent me to Northside.
When we arrived we had lots of heart tests to do and a c-section was scheduled.
I remember laying there before the surgery and I looked at Ron and said "I am going to barf!" He held a bucket up to my mouth. Pure romance :-)
Right by my side Ronnie would stand up and down, blood didn't bother him so he kept looking. He said "Her hand is out!" At 7:10 PM our sweet Taylor Sara was born and she was screaming! While they were putting my guts back together he was over there telling me everything they were doing. I got to give her a kiss on the head before they took her for many heart tests. She ended up being totally ok, a perfect baby.
Having a kid with someone is something that will forever bond two people always. Ronnie gave me the best part of him (twice, I will do Nicole's story one day too).
The girls are one of the biggest source of my strength these days. I often say they save me from myself. They are loved deeply by so many family, friends and teachers. I know so many people are praying for the 3 of us, I feel it and remain so grateful.
Ronnie answered a prayer of mine, helping to make me Mother.
Love,
Lindsey
